Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Mom + Dissertator = Momertator

So this is the day things get interesting, or as I must admit, back to "normal." Shortly, I leave for the Cleveland airport to pick up my son who has been in Denver with his dad for five weeks. FIVE WEEKS! It feels like an eternity since he left yet simultaneously like it was yesterday. What the hell have I been doing for five friggin' weeks?

I can say that I rediscovered how much I enjoy writing and have gotten better at it.
I can say that I started "practicing"/playing piano at random in my living room during writing breaks and that it feels good. I've missed doing that.
I can say that I made progress on my Diss, for sure.
I can say that I had time to myself and to enjoy others doing various things that I don't do the other 11 months of the year.
I can say that I miss my little guy and enjoy motherhood. A lot.

I am certainly not the only Momertator out there, and I know many dedicated and ambitious Dadertators. In the whole "in-takes-a-village" scheme of things, being a Momertator has pushed my Taurus nature to act on all sorts of behaviors not high on the list---like asking for help and accepting it. So, as my Momertator slowly wakes from five weeks of hibernation, I have to acknowledge Granparentators, Friendertators, Neighbortators, Babysittertators, and so on that aid me through the quagmire of this crazy state I'm in (and I don't mean New York right now). Being a Momertator means finding the right village and then building the supportive metropolis. And I'm grateful and inspired for all of it.

I'm so nervous and excited right now that I could chew through my ceramic Pottery Barn coffee cup. For real. My Word docs. probably won't see the light of day for a bit (I'm guessing by Tuesday I can carve out a few blocks of time to write....thanks Grandmatator!) but I am OK with that. Time is relative, and I want to enjoy the rest of my little B's summer with him. So let's crank up the pool heater (Momertators quickly learn that money is relative, too) and enjoy August in The Buff.

While I accomplished a lot since July 7, and although EVERYONE tells me that I will be "fine" and that I will finish this Diss, the Momertator voice inside my head can throw me a curve ball from time to time. And it's unsettling. Let's see if I can harness some of her more nefarious whispers.....well, how about, "Will all this effort toward a PhD be worth the time away from your son?" or better yet, "You will not finish and your son will see you as a big ol' Failure," OR
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!? YOU ARE EXHAUSTED AND CRANKY. Throw in the towel, dummy!!!" The latter can usually be quashed by an immediate powernap, but on some days......

One month til B's school starts and 3 weeks til I start the college gig. It's going to go fast. I hope I can keep all of these balls in the air, and I really think that when I walk across the stage to finally receive this degree, I'll be handed an honorary "PhD--Juggler" as well. Maybe all of us "Tators" will, too.

Momertator will emerge at 3pm Eastern time as B's flight from DEN touches down in CLE........keep ya posted, as I smile and juggle, of course.

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