Thursday, April 23, 2009

"Peace, Love and Happiness: the Next Generation"

Catchy title, yes? Over the weekend my son DVRd several episodes of Star Wars movies on TV, and since then, many of my thoughts have an additional tag, like, "Chicken Wings for Dinner: the Next Dietary Revolution" or "25 Tomato Plants Sprouting: My Next Career." Gotta keep it fun while in The Chair, I guess.....Anyway this blog is focused on the ("Most of the Time") in my blog title because......

Today is National Bring Your Child to Work Day. Which poses a problem for this Momertator (mom + dissertator=.....). My son is 9. A very cool 9, I might add. And, he's witnessed me doing all sorts of things to make some money including teaching piano students in our house (himself included), being in church every week as I lead choirs and congregations, tending to poinsettias at the ol' greenhouse, posting items and mailing stuff to customers from Ebay and Amazon, babysitting other people's children, I mean, the list goes on and on. But, as far as my "job" while he's in school relative to the chronology of other people's days (meaning those with more conventional employment, like 9-5ers), I am at home writing. So what does he do on a day like today? Pull up another Chair and become introduced to the mesmerizing world of writing a Dissertation? ah-hem......I am crazy, but not that crazy....

So, since it's Thursday, I'm taking him with me to the class I teach tonight. And, I've mentioned before that this is the class of 115 college freshman through seniors taking Music Appreciation from Professor Brady, yes? It's a huge room, there are many "interesting" factors to teaching a class this big, and the material is watered-down music history for the masses. But what other choice do I have at this juncture?

I'm kind of eager to see how this goes, and I have no uneasiness that my students, many of whom are 19+ but behave younger than my little son, will be fine and not act like jackasses. (Disclaimer #1: I have many great students in this class, but unfortunately, probability demonstrates that with a class this big, a portion will be assholes. And probability has proven correct yet again.).

Lately my son has been asking more direct questions about what I "do." This always makes me break out into a cold sweat, by the way, if only for a flash of a second. He saw me grading 115 quizzes over the past few evenings (and during part of the Star Wars marathon) and was curious. On the plane back from Denver last month, I had their tests and he watched my red Sharpie slash away at incorrect answers. He even offered comments like, "that kid didn't study much, huh, Mom?" or "do they have a music book to learn this like I have a math book?" etc. So he knows I'm a "teacher," but he has also asked lately about the hierarchy of education. He's in 3rd grade and his teacher is GREAT, but he's an active kid and can get bored at the same desk in the same room and so on (February was ROUGH on all of us). His favorite classes are gym and lunch even as he has straight As....that sort of thing. A friend of ours has a son in junior high (our term for "middle school" in these parts), and our sons play together often. Mine is fascinated with the whole changing-classes thing and having-your-own-locker thing that happens in 7th grade. He's DYING to be in junior high. (Disclaimer #2: I hope the bubble doesn't burst once he gets there. You couldn't pay me 19 bazillion dollars to return to 7th grade. For real. And I need the money!)

When asked, I've explained to him how he'll go to junior high then high school then college (planting the seed early on that yes, indeed, college is in the grand plan). And, I've mentioned how some kids live at home and commute to places like the University of Buffalo or Buff State and how some move away from home and live at their school. His eyes grew big and he sort of shyly told me that he'd like to live at school (which brought immediate tears to my eyes accompanied by a proud smile from his Momertator). *sigh* Nine years left.....

Oddly, this all leads me to think very little about how things will go tonight...we'll pack a bag of tricks for him and he'll help me pass things out and whatnot. I'm going to give him a little tour of campus, the Music Building, my office, the library, grab a snack at my little coffee cart, etc. He'll be fine. Instead, my mind wanders/wonders about what HE will be like when he finds himself a seat in a big lecture hall at his future campus. From my perspective, I look at my students week to week, and many former students I see on campus, and witness, sometimes in utter astonishment, their physically "adult" status and their conceptually (in my mind) "kid" status. I wonder what he'll think about his teachers, how he will get himself to class, what he'll do outside of class (tough one, there) and how he will be viewed by his peers and professors. I have no worries about his academics and interests and socializing (which those of you who know him will probably concur). But, man, will he carry some of the joy and optimism and hippie-tye-dye of his momma through such a quagmire of experiences? Will he find something he REALLY DIGS and forge his way ahead toward it? Will he believe in the ultimate goodness in the world even as so many around him demonstrate the opposite? Will he be happy? *Gulp.*

....I have a fascinating window from which to peer into this world due to this particular aspect of my "work day," don't I....every semester I watch my students grow yet they stay the same...I will always have freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors. Just their faces change. My son, however, will gradually get closer to them and soon, those worlds will collide. It blows my mind and I am slightly exhilarated and slightly uncomfortable at the same time.

It makes me cherish every moment of him and my Momertator status even though I often forget to do that. I know I bitch about and bemoan my life "status" as it is right now, but holy shit....soon it will change. He will change, maybe even a bit by the time he jumps off the bus later today! So, remind me that I wouldn't change this for the world, or even 19 bazillion dollars, K?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

peace love happiness.....yes?

A few things I thinking of this morning before I start workin' on the Diss (and i have two hours before a piano student comes....that's my time chunk for now)......

Last night, The Dead played at the HSBC arena. I was torn about buying tickets when they went on sale because I teach a Tuesday night class that only meets once a week. But, jeeze.....The Dead. In the spring. The day before Earth Day. In the sign of the Taurus (which it now is and which I will forever remain.....). How many more nudges did I need? But, alas, I didn't cancel class and use an accrued sick-day (although my students whole-heartedly suggested I do so......nice.....) and instead discussed the 1980s with them. Oddly enough, I was able to work The Grateful Dead into the class in two effortless ways:

1. The rekindling of the GD spirit took the late 80s and a whole new generation of neo-hippies (myself included) by storm in 1987 with the release of In the Dark and the video for "Touch of Gray" in high-rotation on MTV (when they used to play music videos....). So we watched the video via youtube. Good stuff still.
2. I have a concert DVD from the July 4, 1989 Dead show at Rich/Ralph Wilson stadium, and was at that show (see post from 7/17/08, "The Hart of the Matter"). It was the first of my many travels with the Dead. Watching that DVD last night transported me back 20 years into that late-adolescent-just-finished-high-school-and-it's-summer-so-let-the-games-begin kind of vibe. And that feels really good.

So, my students and I got to "see" the Grateful Dead a bit even though I missed the show last night. The review was favorable (but not all that informative....see Buff News online). Hopefully they will tour again....

Oddly enough, I don't listen to the Grateful Dead much anymore. I have a great selection of bootlegs that have accumulated over the years and a ton of their commercial releases, but they seem to have taken on a very very personal role in my musical life. Their music has the perfect spirit for when I'm outside gardening or soon-to-be sitting by the pool and working around the house. And my son! He must get some ear-time with these tunes! But, I play them often in my car on the way to work. In my own space. I don't usually sing along, either. I just listen. And smile. So, maybe I'll start to play that more when I'm outside working rather than listening to the radio (which is getting old...not a great market here in The Buff).

It feels like mid-April has opened up a whole bunch of new things in these parts, and that's the great "gift" of surviving Buffalo winters, me thinks. The renewal of energy, remembering past feelings of inspiration, allowing new ideas to float and stick. Being a Taurus in the time of Taurus is good for me this time of year, too. The fact that my strongest astrological sign occurs when I need it most is never lost on me.....

So, four days of 70+ degree weather headed our way. Peace love and happiness rises again. I'm writing well on the Diss. I'm sleeping well at night and not taking naps. Away go the sweaters this weekend, out come the sandels and sundresses, and out come The Dead into my more public musical domain. Good thing I have great and tolerant neighbors.

Well, the Diss awaits, but it is a calm and serene feeling I have today as I recognize all the swirly goodness around me that penetrates and scatters all the negative news going on (like, really.....tragedy after tragedy, violence and more violence.....yuck. Off goes the news. Click.). I'll soon post a Grateful Dead playlist that will be my soundtrack for the weekend. Or, better yet, help me out suggest some of your own! It takes a village after all....and hopefully we're all wearing tye-dye!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

red, black and blue---yet sunny?

Ugh! I've been making some SERIOUS PROGRESS on my Dissertation these past few weeks. Like, really good stuff. Like, I can see the PhD in sight, that diploma gripped within my insanely tight little fist. But, duuuuuuuude.....my work is a fucking MESS right now. Dear God!

At some point in 2008 (it's in the archives....ok, I'll look. hold on......from 6/17/08, "Seeing Red") I posted about my writing process, that early drafts are in red font, then with revision they go to blue, then with full edit, to black and they are "done" until my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post from March 09) tells me to go back and fix them. Then, the process starts over again. Sounds like fun, yes? Um, no.

In fact, just now as my boyfriend walked past my office and saw me with my head in my hands, he said, "What's wrong, honey?" and my response? "Why didn't I become a gardner?!?!? How did any of you allow me to think that GRAD SCHOOL was a GOOD IDEA!?!?!?!?"

Good stuff. And true to boot. ANYWAY, now that I have all my organizational ducks in a row, I'm piecing together these chapters from my writing strewn all over creation (well, ok...my office). And, it is a multi-colored tye-dye swirl of little letters twinkling on screen before me. *sigh*.

I have time, though. My classes at Fredonia are in the homestretch, and as I've reported in the past (check December 08), I shift the burden of the end of the semester onto my students (cuz that's the type o' Professor I am....ha ha). So, my workload for teaching is lowered. My son is done with vacation and back at school. This weekend will be awesome weather-wise so I am less tempted to go work in the garden, blast tunes and drink beers right now (notice "less tempted" not "fully denying the urge"....must....be...careful). So, yes, yes, this will all come together.

The lesson I am learning right now (jesus i just typed "write now"....get me out of this Chair!) is another one that I am sure someone told me many times before which I heard but didn't really believe so then I didn't listen until it came ringing back right now: Find a spot to be comfortable to stop and move forward or you will continue to rewrite and rewrite and never finish. This means that I am just going to keep writing in red.....plowing through material, cutting and pasting and NOT going back to revise to blue until I reach page 20 of this chapter (The Intro). THEN I will go back. Progress implies a forward motion, not a spinning-of-the-wheels, yes?

So, onward in red even though that makes me feel like I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. I mean, I do, but it's based on work that has already been done. I'm putting the pieces together.....at least I don't have to go find the pieces, I already have them. And they are going together well (right? please say "yes"). Yes they are.

Ok. Back to work.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

ahhhhh, Brahms....

Tonight I wrap up teaching the Romantic era to my large Mus Apprec class. Large meaning 115 students spanning all years of college levels, freshman to seniors. I've written about this class before, and plowing through 1500 years of Western music history is a strange teaching gig. There are many cool things about it, though. For instance:

--I am reminded how much this crazy shit fascinates me as I teach it. Without "having" to go through this material--especially the Medieval/Renaissance and Baroque eras--I wouldn't be working with it much because I prefer music from the mid-18th century through today. But, in essence, I love it all. I really do.
--I am reminded how much I really like teaching. I refer to the character of this class as "herding cats," meaning that I am constantly trying to focus these 115 wandering minds on the material. So, I'm sort of performing in a way....more theatrical, more dramatic, louder (it's a big room), sort of on the spot and constantly being kept on my toes. But, I like that. It energizes me.
--I don't get to talk much about the United States until the "modern" period (20th-century), but find that on my way home (45 min. drive), I think about the concurrent events that were occurring in our country in tandem with those of Europe. Interesting stuff (to me).
--I think that even though there are many students in this class who don't give a hearty hoot about this material and are taking it for the Core Credit requirement, I KNOW that there are those who do like this material. I can only hope that they have good vibes about this class. And, I get to teach it next semester, too.
--I am reminded how importantly I view music in the world. I think I actually understand the world THROUGH music. And, being reminded of that makes me want to burst into tears with gratitude to my parents and friends and teachers over the years who recognized that I "get it" and helped and supported me.
--There is so much music to cover that much DOESN'T get covered. But, the ones that we discuss, analyze and listen to more closely are some of my favorites. And tonight, BRAHMS. *Sigh*. He breaks my heart every time.

Right now, I am listening to the second movement, the Adagio, of his first piano concerto and I feel so peaceful or something. If you don't know this piece, you will have to take my word for it.....but it DOES SOMETHING to me. It settles me down. And much of Brahms music does this. I hope everyone has a person or artist or something in the way that I "have" Brahms. It's like, when I listen to his music--and this goes for almost ALL OF IT!--the world seems to crack open a bit and beauty, humility, and gentleness flow slowly out of that crack and directly into my body.

Brahms's style has been debated over and over in musicology. So has his personality. He was a Taurus, ya know, like myself. He lived and composed during the Romantic era, but did not indulge in the style of writing "program" music, meaning compositions whose music reflected or told a story or followed a plot. His is "absolute" music....a piano concerto is just that. A bunch of sounds that don't necessarily MEAN anything. But, holy shit....THEY DO! They mean a lot.

I can't keep going on and on about this cuz I do have other things to attend to today, but I find music that ISN'T supposed to "do" anything--like reflect a plot or story--and just "is" ends up being much more profound for me. Brahms gets meaning in his music somehow, and music philosophy/theory continues to debate just how our lil' brains process any of it and make sense of it at all. I certainly don't have those answers, but I can feel it when it happens. Right into my bones.

In this piano concerto, for example, within the first two minutes--as the orchestra begins the slow and luscious theme and then the piano enters--I can FEEL some kind of meaning. Brahms and I begin communicating. I don't always even know how to translate those feelings into words, but I am in a dialog with Brahms through this piano concerto. I am certain of that. I don't know the "meaning" behind this breathtaking piece of music and I don't know what he was thinking while he wrote it. And, I don't even know what he and I are actually communicating at all. (AND, now I'm even confusing myself by trying to communicate this to you!!! ha ha).

Oh, I don't know. I can spout all kinds of facts and musical razzle-dazzle, but here I sit, happy and warm, listening to Brahms, and I can't speak coherently about it.

Maybe that's the point. There are no words, really, that can describe what is going on in this comforting swirl of sounds that collapses historical time--Brahms's time over 130 years ago in Vienna and Judy time here in The Buff--when this music plays. But, it is my job this evening to introduce Brahms to my students. Maybe after a little biography on him, I'll just let the music play. And say nothing. Just let it be, so to say....

I'm stopping now. I'm going to start this piece over and just listen quietly. Maybe twice.....

Thursday, April 2, 2009

"springing" toward a finished chapter....

Couldn't resist using some sort of weather-related metaphor for today. We are gonna have a BEAUTIFUL day here in the Buff and I have scheduled NO TIME to really enjoy it. Until 3:30pm, that is, when my son comes home and we shoot hoops in the driveway or play catch or something until I leave for work. I do hope to open a window or two and recycle the air in my house though. These things need to be done. Yesterday was the first day of April and with it came a little rain. "April showers bring May flowers." Music to my ears, for real.

So the past two weeks have felt like I was living in 5th gear, flying down the highway with the cruise control set at 85 while I used my free hand and feet to seriously multi-task. Between going to Denver for SAM (which was great) and completely revising my Univ Buffalo paper and giving it last Saturday (which was great for me and I hope those who heard it liked it), only today do I feel like things have settled down. Phew.

My "new" Diss feels so good to me right now. I spent parts of Monday and Tuesday creating an entirely new folder of Diss material on my computer (my files and info were a MESS....a true sign for me that things had gotten way out of hand), complete with a page of outline notes for each chapter. Then I created real files--like ones you can actually touch and put things in with your hands) on the floor of my office and sorted all the research docs and copies I have (those were a mess, too....it was timely in many many ways that my revision breakthrough came when it did, me thinks), and TAH-DAH! I have five chapters of material and I know how to complete them. Holy canoli, Batman.

The intro will always be this nebulous gooey combination of written words that will be the last chapter to put to bed. But, the outline is very helpful because it keeps me focused in a very precise and efficient way. I don't have to read through pages of text to know what I'm supposed to be talking about. I just look at the outline and see the logic (well, of course, that's relative 'cuz it's MY logic....so, I may be the only one who sees it, but AT LEAST I CAN SEE IT, yes?) and relate it to the other chapters.

After giving my paper at UB, I spent another chunk of Tuesday editing it into a reader-friendly paper (verses a speaker-friendly paper) so I could send it to my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post for the origin of her new moniker). I had to do this because when I read a conference paper outloud, I read it (I think) based on how I talk naturally with a bit more professionalism to my voice. But, as I write that conference paper, I do things like I do here in the ol' M(MotT) to remind myself to EMPHASIZE words or stress a certain phrase, like capitals, bolds, italics. So my paper looks very goofy, but I can read it very well. So, I smoothed it out for my adWISER and sent it off to her, which felt good. Haven't heard back, but feel hopeful. She's a busy lady after all......

Anyway, my task for today involves Diss stuff and other stuff. My sleepy son is waking up as I type this. When he leaves in about 45-minutes--and before he returns seven hours later--I have to grade 115 quizzes for my class tonight and assemble my bag for work to include all the stuff I need for a class of that magnitude (we are in the Romantic era....yahoo!!!). That takes awhile, but since I wrote the quiz and have taught this class many times, I constructed the quiz for maximum assessment value AND minimum grading fatigue (I'm sure any math readers could find a fun equation there: MAV + MGF==MJT (more Judy-time)). But grading isn't the only issue.....entering the grades is a science of its own. I have to organize the quizzes alphetically as I grade them in order to enter the grades before a new millenium dawns. So, that's my system. And it sucks doing it. But, that has to get done. Time deadline on that one.

What I'm really eager to do is re-read the 42 pages written for the Diss that were originally the first-half of Chapter 2 and have no become---TAH-DAH--all of Chapter 2. The details of that chapter are pretty much there (professional music making in Buffalo, 1804--1860). The missing links are ideology and comparitive scholarship, like what is all "means" and what work from other, more knowledgable and tenured scholars can corroborate or differentiate my own work. I like doing that, too. So I'm going to start inserting this other "stuff" today. And I have ideas of what that will be!!!! It's like putting the last pieces of a puzzle together. Filling in the holes. Watching the complete image emerge. And oddly enough, I love puzzles.....

ANYWAY, those are the things I need and want to do today. Tomorrow is shot. My son has a half-day of school, I need to go grocery shopping and to the gym=no writing tomorrow. Judy Day. Things that I don't need but want to do today include using the 12 green Miller Chill bottles in my garage to start some spider-plant seedlings (green bottles work better for rooting cuttings, IMHO), laundry, working on my garden, cleaning out my flower beds, and searching through landscaping websites for ideas (my backyard is now carte-blanche since the trees came down). So, I'm in trouble.

But, I'm in The Chair and will fight to stay here in order to complete the two major tasks of the day. And I will do that.

Another sign that I'm in the homestretch.....I put my book "How to Write a Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day" on sale at Amazon on Tuesday. Someone bought it last night. It's already packed and ready to go (ooops, gotta stop at the post office on the way to work today....). I included a little note on the invoice slip to the buyer of this book. It says, "Thanks for buying. Good luck!!!" And I truly mean it. He's gonna need it.....

Spring has sprung!