Historical fiction...not a distraction?

I've got STACKS of books in my office that don't belong to me. I have Buffalo, SUNY Fredonia and UW Madison library books in neatly (artistically? not sure) assorted narrative skyscrapers in my office according to content...one stack is about the New Deal, another about Buffalo, some contribute to my Diss "theories," whatever those'll end up being. One of the greatest lessons/tools I learned in grad school was how to "read" a book in under 30 minutes....start with index and table of contents, browse the intro to see the author's point, find the pages needed for my topic, read back a few and forward a few from that, and BAM! That book makes it into a stack or not. Then, they sit perched, waiting for me to really go digging as the gobbledy-gook I'm writing needs them.

But, in the midst of some are books about Buffalo, a few that fall under the category "Historical fiction." The book City of Light was this, and although recommended because it provided a snapshot of Buffalonia history, was poorly written, thin and somewhat bizarre in plot, and not the best way to spend a few late nights. Felt like the author was trying too hard and left all sorts of nuggets twisting in the winds of Lake Erie. Oh well.

Another is The Birth of the Erie Canal, written in 1960, extremely romantic and "imaginative" with characters' characteristics, but sort of fun to read. That's what I did last evening after getting the kiddo to bed and still having energy (where it came from, not sure. It was a long day....). So, I buzzed through this ol' beauty and enjoyed it. There wasn't a single mention of music at all, but the historian in me often dukes it out with the musician, and I found myself fascinated with the history. What a chore and battle is was to tame western New York (after, of course, wiping it clean of the Five Nations....but that is another story, not fictional at all, and probably not fun to read...). Holy canoli. There is a sketch of the Buffalo Harbor from 1815, and I just can't get my head around it. And, because the downtown library and Historical Society are so ship-shape around here, I've looked at A LOT of historical pictures of The Buff. I think conceptually, I can't imagine being a pioneer--in the literal sense--and viewing this wild mane of a region as it was back then as navigational and livable. Phew.

So, as I weed out distractions, I figure that historical fiction will present itself as a viable way to entertain, invite sleep to come, and still keep me in the pocket of my research when the day is done. Once finished with The Diss, I think I'll expand into other areas of the country.....the California coast, Rockies, New England, etc. Any suggestions welcome!

Distractions, distractions....

One of the things my adWiser suggested (or sort of told me, actually) that would be essential in executing Plan A--turning in a full draft by Jan. 15--was to work on eliminating distractions. Hmmm. Yes, that certainly would help. I nodded, said, "yes, that certainly would help," and smiled tentatively. "I'm serious," she said. "Do you know how much time you spend NOT focusing on this because it is very easy to focus on things you think are important, but are not?" Yes, I do. "Yes, I do," and I smiled tentatively. That conversation happened 10 days ago.

Since then, I've been feeling good about my writing and researching progress, and have been scrutinizing my days, what I "do" in them, and how to clear the clutter. In these 10 days, several things have crossed my path that make this notion of "streamlining" very do-able.

To help spur the above conversation along, my adWiser posed, "For example, I know you love your life in Buffalo and are very busy, but have you had conversations with the people close to you about how your time is going to more focused on YOU for the next three months, and that there may be times you are "unavailable" for various things?" Ummmm, no. So I did that. And it went over well (still have some more people to talk to, but I'm getting there) and everyone so far understands the urgency of my own timeline, what it means to me, what it means to them in the long run and the implications for the short run. "It's OK to say 'no' to things sometimes," said my adWiser. She is right.

Then, Monday, in a moment of downtime and cleaning the house during the 15 minutes I had before my son's bus came roaring down the street, I was sorting through magazines and newspapers and assorted whatnot that had accumulated on my front room table. I found a Rolling Stone magazine with Stephen Colbert on the cover from a few weeks back, and realized I HADN'T READ IT! I asked myself, "What the hell have I been doing that I can't even read my fave mag?" So, I finished my task, still had 7 minutes, and buzzed through the article on him. Interesting guy, but anyway, the way that he approaches his "work" and "life" is that he thinks of two things and two things only: work and joy. If what he's doing doesn't have both, he doesn't do it. And I realized that even as arduous as this Dissertation is, it does--for me, but I'm crazy--fit under both work and joy. Using that model, I've eliminated even more distractions.

THEN, yesterday, after leaving the downtown library, I gave myself 30 minutes to run errands. I loathe running errands. Traffic, in and out of the car, delays, money spent (usually), etc. But, my printer was out of ink (bad), my winter comforter still sat at the dry cleaners from 3 weeks ago (weather's turnin'...need that bad boy) and I had no lettuce for dinner. 30 minutes. Right....my last stop was Office Depot, where at that time of day, should have been empty. I refill my cartridges which saves me money (and is "green") but adds about 5 minutes while they do it. Not today, however. I backlog of printer cartridges sat waiting in a long line before mine. Sheesh. So, I wandered the store pondering the research I just did at the library and browsing things that I neither needed nor could afford. These things happen.

On a shelf near the front sat a book that I have heard of, been interested but never purchased: Tim Ferriss's The Four Hour Workweek. This title appeals to my sense of "work" in that I want ALL of the things I do to be productive yet joyful without losing my soul to someone else's dream. I plunked down in a random on-sale office chair (at least I was in the right place) and started to browse the text while watching and waiting for my little black ink cartridge to make its way to the front of the line.

On page 68, Ferriss says (if you don't know him, give him a glance. His blog is in my favorites here),"Doing something unimportant well does not make it important. Requiring a lot of time does not make a task important." BINGO. More distractions gone.

I don't want to fully admit that I have been inefficient, but I did waste a wholelotta whoo-ha this summer making unimportant things very important, and musing over stupid crap that has nothing to do with my life whatsoever (usually some sort of celebrity-related B.S. or news story, gossip, etc.).

Clearing some distractions has been easier than others. Turning off my email until I am "done" for the day was harder than I thought---what is something "big" happened that I need to know about (it never has, why would I think it would?)? What if someone has something urgent to tell me (that's what phones are for)? How to feel connected to the world while sitting in The Chair writing (make better use of free time and hang with friends instead of dealing with them digitally)? and the excuses go on and on. My world will not end if I don't get my 29 messages of goofiness until 3pm each day, yes? And those "waiting" for my answer (they probably aren't) will get it. After 3pm.

Grocery shopping in bulk at undesirable hours (8:30am) as opposed to convenient (3pm) to avoid a busy store, not cleaning the house until I can do it in a full 15-minute swoop, planning time to do tasks and actually DOING THEM AND GETTING THEM DONE in that time, etc. Interesting. Oh, and no Crack News---CNN, MSNBC, FOX, etc. Garbage. If something really big happens, someone will email (and I'll get it at 3pm and the walls won't come a-crumblin' down) or call. It takes a village, afterall....

AND, my brain is ON FIRE lately, and I think it just took that little nudge of confidence, perspective and, of course, a deadline to get it to where it should be. Focused. Not cluttered. Or, at least not as much as before.

So, I took care of some business stuffystuff already, said I wanted to post on M(MotT) today, and hit the library by 11am (if any of you care to join me in the ol' Grosvenor Room and search old newspaper reels from the 1870s...mmmm.......tempting, yes?). I know what I want to find today, will be home by 3pm and ready for the second half of my day. Baby steps. On a clear path, though.

Any more distraction tips are always welcome!

"...It's the final countdown..."

You know I love quoting music lyrics--even in my daily conversations with people--and the above snippet from 80s hair-metal band, Europe, fits my motivations for the next few months. As silly as that song was/is, with the quirky synth line and hairspray and spandex, I find that most people know that song. It refuses to die, and the lead lyric (above) is more fun sung than spoken every time. AND, the song found a new life in the short-lived TV series "Arrested Development," (the best TV ever, for real) as the background music for Gob's ill-fated magic shows. I'm giggling as I think about it. May have to pull out those DVDs later.

Ok, so I'm digressing already. Coffee's kicking in.

Anyway, my trip to Wisconsin over the weekend was exactly what I needed to feel the push and urgency of this Diss project...the never-ending Diss....until NOW. Holy canoli do I have a lot of work to do, but I soaked up some academic ju-ju by meeting with old friends, wandering about the beautiful campus, working in the Wisconsin Historical Society (which has A LOT of interesting Buffalo materials that our fine archives here in The Buff do not possess) and discussing a reasonable plan of final deadlines with my adWiser. She is a realistic person, and told me straight that this is a big, huge, weighty amount of work that I've proposed for myself. But, those of you that know me understand how wonderfully I work with deadlines, so GAME ON.

What I enjoyed most about the weekend, besides seeing some of my old buddies, was being able to finally articulate my project to those that asked about it, and feeling that I have a handle on it. I've been working on this thing for freakin' ever it seems (ok, this is the third year, which is a reasonable amount of time for diss work for a crazybusy person like myself) and I see that its presence and subsequent completion marks a concrete "end," but is really only the beginning. What lies beyond the Diss defense (so far scheduled for May...fingers crossed) is an expanse of possibilities that is probably the MAIN factor behind my renewed optimism and motivation. This project sits on my shoulders like a colossal albatross, squashing the potential to engage in other projects (or money-making efforts) and blocking the view toward the horizon. Time to unwrap it and lift the weight. Heave-ho.

I will probably start using this blog to write about non-Diss stuff as a way to get the brain flowing before whatever is on deck for the day. I've been whining and bemoaning this thing too often here, but.....these things happen. Thanks for hanging in there. I teach interesting classes at my college gig, and they often spawn more questions for me than those that I pose to my students. Which is a good thing. I find cultural events often puzzling, surprising and exhilarating. This forum may be where I ponder them, hit "publish post" and move on. Small nuggets of musicological whoo-ha. Hope you are ready.

I am!

Autumnal equinox.....

Even-Steven daylight/darkness today. The ol' 12/12. Balance. Equality. The scales tip tomorrow, but today they sit straight.

Summer's gone. And, as much as I love the heat, the garden, the long daylight patterns, summer needs to be over. It was probably the weirdest and least productive summer I have had in YEARS, perhaps, decades....I think I read more books between fifth and six grades than I did this summer. Don't know why, really. I THOUGHT a lot about doing the things I should be actively and physically pursuing, but this summer just had an odd rhythm to it, a very unpredictable, chaotic, lethargic and unsettling rhythm. After all this thinking, that's the best description I can come up with. No wonder I haven't able to write....I can't even think! :=)

My Diss is going to get done, and get done soon. Enough is enough, me thinks. Since my son went back to school (which started the mantra "now I REALLY have time to write"), I haven't written a thing. When I tried to write over the summer, I wasn't focused, couldn't get focused, and churned out some crappy drivel. Which bummed me out. So I stopped.

I'm going to Wisconsin on Thursday to meet with my adWiser about the path I'm on and how to stay on it and get to the end of it with a degree in hand. I'm excited to see Madison and some old friends, and frankly, part of the reason for the trip is to immerse myself in a college town, even if it's only for 3 or 4 days. The energy, the environment, the whole academic package surrounding that city (200,000 with 40,000 students....pretty university-heavy) gives me a jolt of inspiration every time I'm there. Wish me luck.

I re-read my last post in which I claimed to have found my newest version of Dissertation focus. Well, it is sort of what I want to do--the history of the symphony--but, that awareness was just a step that led toward the current focus. After sending my adWiser a blurb related to the whole cultural-history-of-the-symphony-using-Buffalo-as-an-example thing, she promptly responded with one (and only one) very poignant and obvious (but not to me) question (which is why she is fondly called my "adWiser" and not "adviser"): "What happened to the New Deal? I thought your original historical interest was the Great Depression, not the history of the symphony." Ahhhhhh, yes, indeed.

And, so it began. I may not have been writing these past three weeks, but I cleaned my office and sorted through sooo many drafts of this friggin' Diss....and I bought a shredder. Some of my writing had been from so long ago that when I read it, I got even more confused and dismayed. How long have I been working on this, again? How long have I pondered these thoughts? Why am I making this so difficult? Just stop. Stop. Clear the air. Then start again. No distractions. Stop.

And that's when the bulb went off--it is I who is making this hard. Just do it. Good gracious:

My focus in the intersection of government, economics, and the orchestral music tradition as they interacted during the crisis of the Great Depression. Buffalo, NY offers an exemplary case to study as the Buffalo Symphony Orchestra (defunct at the time) received federal relief funds as part of the New Deal's Federal Music Project for its "rejuvenation." This relationship lasted for five years and resulted in the establishment of the city's first permanent orchestra, the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra, which remains the region's premier orchestral organization. Through archives, musicological analysis of events, people and performance, and methodologies from interdisciplinary fields such as economics, American history, folklore theory, and cultural geography, the BPO becomes a lens with which to demonstrate how aspects of the New Deal interacted with musical arts. The under-researched and idiosyncratic circumstances within Buffalo's "symphonic culture" reveal how a century of cultural work performed by professional orchestral musicians in this region finds a foothold, oddly enough, at the end of the Great Depression. It's a history that observes the events in the city but considers the formation of goals, ideals and expectations as part of a nation-wide attempt to establish and replicate this performance tradition appropriate to the intended cultural and geographical terrain. One reason this locality study focuses on Buffalo is due to the rich and varied nature of the story and its source material. But, at the heart of this research is the overarching curiosity of how the orchestral music tradition in America grappled with the rise of "the masses," the public domain of taste, the formation and extension of cultural identity relative to this tradition, the politics and influence of local and national government, and the always-precarious role of money in the professional arts. The latter argument, whose path can be traced back to late-18th century New England, remains an element of American musical life today. The microcosm for this project begins in Buffalo as one city to emerge out of the Great Depression with its symphonic culture not only intact, but stronger than ever before. The legacy created by the BPO, as it celebrates its 69th season today, remains tied to the complex national and local events during the New Deal and the Great Depression of the 1930s.

I feel the scales eager to tip, equinox or not. It's time. Ready, set......*gulp*......GO!!!!

all kinds o' things...

the strangest summer in a loooooong time, lots of thoughts, several ambitions, lots of lag time, too. Stayin' home tonight with my son after the first week back "at work" (a.k.a. teaching college students musicology that I *hope* they like and dig uncontrollably)...more soon. I'm back. And, I may have developed an interest in learning to cook......as I said. The strangest summer, perhaps, ever.

"here I go again on my own..."

Well, not on my own, actually. I received feedback on my 3 chapters from my adWiser and one other member of my committee. So that was a mutual relationship between they and I. Now, however, I'm back in The Chair after a brief hiatus (which was a weeeeee bit longer than I had anticipated, but....) and I'm ready to tackle my next step. Coffee's brewing, books are in neat stacks, desktop cleared and poised. Game on.

What has added an extra week of non-writing and heavy-gardening to my calendar is figuring out WHAT THE HOLY HELL MY NEXT STEP IS! *sigh*

I have said numerous times, to myself and many others, that, "I have finally found the REAL focus of my Dissertation." Please allow me to say it again. A-hem. I have finally found the real focus of my Dissertation...which is a different focus than it was two months ago (these things happen) but one more baby step closer to the finish line. And I have my two Diss readers and the busy antics of my son (who forced me to shift my "Momertator" status to more of "Mom" in order to play with him for 3 weeks, and was worth every second) to thank for that. Hiatus over.

I've always been interested in the elusive ways that music works in society, in the minds of individuals, in the performance of our identities. Those elements of music's cultural work spurred my first subscription of Rolling Stone when I was 12, drove me into libraries and historical texts for decades, pushed me to experiment with sociology, education, American history and academia. How I ended up in musicology is still a mystery (and one to ponder at a later date). Anyway, something was revealed to me just the other morning as I woke to a sleepy, soggy, soaker of a weather forecast. My friendly wake-up call, my voice in my head that hits me like a freight-train sometimes, simply informed me that those interests, the unanswerable but nagging questions of music's role in society, SHOULD lead my Diss as well!!! Of course!!!!! If not, these past two years will end up being a silly stack of crap that reveals little of the silly girl behind it all, me thinks.

If I was younger, wealthier and braver, I'd jump ship from this Buffalo Diss topic and head into different waters. But, I need to get this fucker DONE. For real. I've got a ton of historical research, fascinating nuggets and worthless/useful data about the musical activity in a city that I truly love, and my conscience keeps me on that path. So be it. My work at the National Archives in Washington, D.C., the grant money that supported it, the people who helped me get there and work there.....they keep this ol' gal on the Buffalo party train as well. My archival work focused on the interactions of the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra and the Federal Music Project during the Great Depression. THAT topic has never been explored, written or published by ANYONE, and that accomplishment is mine. And it's a great story (I'm a sucker for juicy controversy, and my current Chapter 5 re-creates that tale from all those documents housed in that nation's capital. Gotta keep on it). Hopefully, someday you'll agree.

So, in light of the above babble, my fascination has shifted a bit. I'm going to try to write a cultural history of the symphony orchestra as it worked in Buffalo relative to "the nation"---WHY it began, what it did and for whom, how it related to bigger, more affluent/cosmpolitan cities, what it did for Buffalo. Why, why, why rather than just how and when. Another caveat that I want to include is the notion of a cultivation of musical "taste" in America and the love/hate relationship to popular trends, different demographical populations, and immigration. That will be the philosophy/sociology/cultural theory angle that I enjoy wading through more often than not. I will end my project's chronology at 1940 as I have planned in the past and leave the following decades for "other projects."

What I've determined is:

• Chapter 5 (BPO/FMP) has the most organized text but some holes that now need to be filled due to this shift.
• Chapter 2 has good data about the events in Buffalo, but the organization needs to be revised, some stuff taken out/condensced, more newspaper info from archives in the downtown library, and heavier emphasis of cultural theory and anlaysis of those events. Gulp.
  
• Chapter 3--which I am supposed to start, like, now--needs the most background historical info about the rise/role of the American symphony orchestra in general. But, I have good (but not enough, yet) data to add Buffalo to that picture.
• Chapter 4--some stuff, not much, know where I'm going, written last.
• Chapter 1--the Introduction---will be written after Chapter 4, a revision of my focus, and Lit Review (which I haven't done).

Which leads me to my opening question: where to start? I have a plan. Every time I sit to write, I'm going to keep a running Lit Review going in order to organize it at the end (a Lit Review lets my readers know that I know what is already known about my topic due to previous research. Fun, fun, fun.) Even if I only summarize one scholar or one argument, I'm just going to keep it rolling. Baby steps.

Next, I'm going to make a simple and uncreative chronology of events in Buffalo as I know them for Chapter 3 (1861--1919). Already started on that.
Next, the books I'm pouring through for my Lit Review will only deal with the stuff needed for Chapter 3. Then I can double-dip and start adding narrative text and analysis to my data.
Also, instead of writing an "Introduction," I'm opening a new file for thoughts pertaining to my Intro. Organization will come later, but by the time that happens, it should be all there.

As long as this muse stays with me, that is.

Say a prayer, send a vibe, wish me luck. Here goes nothin'......

Boom Boxes and Record Stores

When I bought my house almost two years ago, it was spotless and had obviously been professionally cleaned. That said, it needed a lot of updates. It had been owned by the same family for over 40 years, and as we started to put our own spin on the place, we often discovered little remnants of the people who had lived here (Note: as a historian, I find these nuggets fascinating and forever interesting; as a parent, their presence makes me a little sad, like I'm plowing over all those memories... *sigh*).

One quirk about the garage is a pull-down ladder tucked into the ceiling that leads to the "attic" or crawl space. A full attic would be killer (so much potential!!!), but alas, it's more of a crawl space. It has a rickety ladder that I wouldn't allow my boyfriend (twice my weight) to attempt, but I was so eager to get up there and see it (the property inspector, a little dude, went up during the inspection. I didn't.) that I climbed carefully up into the ceiling within days of moving in. My guess is that because the previous owner was deceased and the house had sat vacant for a while that the realtor just wanted to sell the place and clear the most noticeable clutter......because there was a TREASURE TROVE of stuff up there. Two years later, several items are nestled here and there around the property (I am VERY GOOD at creative recycling), the most notable being a mid-size Panasonic boom box from the mid-1980s that now is the source for the tunes during outdoor work. Rock on!

One downside is that the tape player doesn't work--only the radio does. I still have a storage bin full of tapes in my basement......but anyway, because I listen to my own playlists or "Groove Salad" online radio while writing, I often throw the control of my musical preferences into the waves of local radio while working outside. While my home office is my refuge for writing and thinking and organizing one kind of work, my yard is my refuge away from that and for organizing a different kind of work (making a house into a home, me thinks). So, this lil' radio has become a part of the yard and our lives, in all its retro glory.

Note: I have done A LOT of work outside this year along with my boyfriend, his/my friends, and my son. By myself, I hit 97 Rock, FM 96.9 as it is the city's only station that calls itself "Classic Rock." Their song rotation is my domain--absolutely--being late 1960s through the early 1990s guitar rock, from "Purple Haze" to Pearl Jam (mostly pre-Yield material). The time passes quickly, I can sing along to almost everything, and while weeding and tending to peas, peppers, pots and petunias, my mind wanders to memories, stories, facts, and feelings about this era of our music history. Pretty damn cool, if you ask me.

There is little contestation about the station choice even if other people are around (we just did a HUGE pool remodel, so we had to corrale the troops. Good thing Bud Lite is cheap....). I have come up with two reasons for this: 1. the people we hang out with are our age or thereabouts, and this radio station has been playing "classic rock" since we were in highschool so this is the music of "our generation" through osmosis; 2. it isn't that big a deal. Tunes are tunes. I am aware of MY musical obsessions but certainly don't expect that from everyone. The world needs a healthy balance from all of our oddities, yes? So, again, pretty damn cool.

What's been happening to me over the past month or so, as my Diss work went on hiatus for two weeks and I found "other" things to do cheaply (work around the yard with tunes on), is paying more focused attention on what is played on radio in The Buff. AND, I hear a song and think, "Do I have that one?" so I yank off the garden gloves, and run into my office to check my iTunes folder. If not already imported, I check my CD racks in the front room. Although I have a lot variety and breadth in my music cache, I am baffled by my lack of some. Holy canoli! I need to have this song! How did I miss it? How do I have such gaping holes in my musical socks?

As this process has continiued, I have compiled a list of 64 songs that I love, don't posses, and NEED (perhaps "need" is a bit strong, but as I think about it, no, it is not....) 64!!!!! Holy hell!!! So, I have four choices, really:

1. do nothing and let these songs be the ones that I am dying to listen to when the radio plays them.
Upside: cheap.
Downside: highly satisfying in the moment of listening to them, then highly unsatisfying when I want my ears wrapped around them some other time.

2. ask friends if they possess these goodies and rip them into my iTunes.
Upside: cheap.
Downside: time consuming, perhaps strange/annoying for my friends.

3. buy them one by one on itunes (if they are there).
Upside: no waste. Only the songs I want.
Downside (several): the iTunes "burning" license limits my ability to use these songs on playlists I burn for people; not cheap ($64 and counting); slightly time consuming (but good for a rainy day like today); moderately unsatisfying (as an "object," each song only exists as a digital file in my computer--no art, nothing to "hold on to," digitally permanent yet physically ephemeral)

4. go to a record store and buy them. *GASP* Go a record store!?!?! When the fuck was the last time I did that??? Mon dieu! My heartrate is rising. I LOVE the record store...however....
Downside first this time: very expensive and moderately time consuming (unless it's a rainy day like today), physically inconvenient (Buffalo and suburbs have suffered the "giant sucking sound" of indie record stores and I'm not going to the mall/Target/Walmart to buy music. Period.), OVERWHELMING---I will spend hours and hours spinning like a whirling dervish in the store. It will be a challenge to GET ME OUT of the store once I'm there, and my mortgage payment will evaporate into "Dust in the Wind," for sure.
Upside: undeniably satisfying. Wandering around bins and bins of sonic potential. Holding the goods in my hand, ritualistically trying to get the wrappers off, looking through the CD jacket material, thowing it into the CD player for a spin. Listening. Anytime I want.

Hmmmmmm. My initial reaction to the above list is interesting (to me). When iTunes launched, I was making better money (*sigh*) and gleefully added fun tune after fun tune into my ever-expanding music folder. Click. Got 'em, one by one. And, I have found iTunes to be helpful for accessing historical music material/songs for teaching, but that's the stuff of academics, not obsessions.

No. 1 seems the easiest and most random. What the hell....just let it go.....Yeah, right.
No. 2 seems like more trouble than it's worth---how to canvass friends, how to collect their material, burn it, return it, and risk the raised-eyebrow-factor followed by questions like, "Um, yeah, so Judy, um, how's the Diss coming?" once my motives for this "project" are revealed.
No. 3 elicits a gut reaction that is surprising: "Hell, no." I love technology, but this option unnerves me, like I'd be not only ripping the song (while paying for it), but I'd be ripping off the context of the song (even as I have done this in the past. My own hypocracy is not lost on me...). Classic Rock is what has led me to everything else. For real. I can't just have one song from The Who that I'm missing....I need ALL of The Who. Dig? Oy.
No. 4 seems like the most fun, the most satisfying, and the most invigorating. But, wow. Can it be done?

Today is rainy writing day (Chapter 3), so I'm safely distanced from entering the backyard and turning on the Boom Box. Instead, I am listening to the ambient juiciness of Groove Salad internet radio. Ahhhh. Impulses curbed once more. Credit cards in the other room. Search engines closed. I cannot make a rash decision about something like this, now can I? :)

I'd make this a collective effort and publish the list below, but I think I'll keep the actual "List of 64 Project" close to the hip. For instance, how can I ask someone if they possess Pink Floyd's The Wall on CD without acknowledging THAT I DON'T? Sad, but true. I am riddled with many, many flaws.....

Option 5 would be free file-sharing, the online marketplace spawned by Napster. Grrrrrrrr......

Your thougts or suggestions appreciated. For music obsessives like me--rock on!

"Thursday's child has far to go..."

Although I'm writing this on a Tuesday, I turned in three chapters of my Diss last Thursday, and true to the nursery rhyme quoted above, I do have far to go. The chapters were 1, 2 and 5 because of the content I had amassed and because of the HUGE revision I did in March. So, while I'm technically "half-way" done (those three chapters are about 110 pages), I still have a long road ahead. I've spent the past few days "not thinking," which is funny because that's all I've been doing is thinking (and sneezing and sleeping.....welcome to spring in the Buff). I like to feel that I'm moving forward with a positive attitude, so below are the things I've done (positive!) and the things I still have to do to really be "done" (still tryin' to be positive):

What's done with The Diss:

1. a title for the project: "Performing the Nation: the Rise of Buffalo's Symphonic Music Culture"
2. an outline of the chapters that I am comfortable with and that seem logical and good
Chapter 1---Intro--background, theories, lit review--done
Chapter 2--Buffalo Frontiertown to Boomtown, 1804--1860--done
Chapter 3--Patterns of Success? 1861--1919--not done
Chapter 4--Boundaries, Bridges and Booze, 1920--1934--not done
Chapter 5--The Buffalo Philharmonic Gets a New Deal, 1935--1940--done
Chapter 6--Epilogue--Ethnicity, Culture and Performance in Buffalo, New York--not done
3. a rough bibliography has been compiled as I write. ROUGH is the keyword here, though.
4. the research in Washington, D.C (for chapter 5) is complete
5. I have two full months to work on Chaps 3 and 4
6. Chapter 6 is not that long and I have a lot of that material from the parts I lopped off the first proposal (the Polish, jazz, Irish and Italian communitites), so maybe 10 pages already.
7. my teaching schedule for the fall is two classes that I've already taught, so little prep time at home, which means more for The Diss
8. I will earn this degree before I turn 40, which was the goal from the get-go.

What's not done:

1. a lot of the research for 3 and 4 has not been done. And, they are not years that I'm as familiar with, well 4 is, but 3 is iffy. So, lots of reading and trips to the ol' newspaper archives at the downtown library.
2. Chapter 5, while MOSTLY complete, still needs a good conclusion and some fact-finding at the library, especially newspaper reviews and articles about the BPO during the Great Depression. More days downtown.
3. My advisor won't be able to give me feedback on the stuff I sent her for a few weeks. And, I have no idea if it's crap or not......I hope NOT. So, I have to fend off anxiety about her responses to my work. Cuz I really want to be done. Soon. I just have to let it go until I hear from her and not worry and ponder about it and think about it and worry and......Anyone up for Happy Hour? Oh, it's only 10am.....damn.....Bloody Mary, then?
4. I need to re-connect with my other committee members and confirm they are on board, file all the paperwork, etc. This of course if after......
5......all the work is done, including revision (which I already know will happen). I'm shooting for October 31. Defend in March or April. Large, obnoxious party to follow. Keep ya posted on the details.
6. I haven't been able to write any of my chapters into journal articles YET but I did present Chapter 5 as a conference paper at UB in March (just staying positive.....)

So, 8 things done, 6 not done. But they are both equally heavy, in my humble opinion. I have been reading and taking notes to prepare for Chapter 3, and TOMORROW (not today), I will beging writing. Again. Today, "Tuesday's child is full of grace," and I will be working and cleaning and calming myself down and enjoying the day. The garden needs some attention, anyway.

Uh oh...."Wednesday's child is full of woe....." Maybe I should wait til Thursday to start writing again.....

Happy Tuesday!

summertime in The Buff....here comes the bride!

No, silly, not ME!!! But I wonder how many raised eyebrows or jaw drops that title got. Hee hee.

Anyway, while writing my academic fingers off this summer and getting this Diss done (or close to done--I'm shooting for all content and most revisions by Nov. 1), I have some wedding gigs. I haven't had a "gig" in a long time. Sure, I play every Sunday in church as part of my job, but weddings are a whole different animal. And, as they are starting to come together regarding music and form and logistics, I'm excited about adding some focused piano practicing into my summer schedule.

Now, summertime in The Buff may have un-officially arrived over this past holiday weekend. The temps aren't quite warm enough for me, but the nighttime remains above 50, and general 70s and 60s are expected throughout the days. And, the humidity is back so that comfy/cozy feeling and smell is in the air. So, while the the calendar still has a few weeks before "official" summer, I'm am gauging things on my own: I am done teaching until August, I am writing full-time, my son starts baseball this weekend, all of my garden is planted, the pool repair will be finished soon---so I declare that summer has arrived. Yahoo!

Each wedding is different, of course, and the variety of musical desires on the parts of brides always varies as well. So, I have pulled out all of these dusty binders and songbooks and other music that has been neglected over the past few years to search for sheet music or works for these weddings. I am even SINGING at all three weddings. Holy moly! I am excited to gather together the music for each and begin practicing. And, I have my piano to do it on rather than the keyboard, and the former sounds a whole lot better than the latter in my living room.

The biggest question is not the music for the ceremonies but the "other" stuff to play as prelude, background dinner music and so on. Over the years, especially in grad school, I have collected A LOT of music that sounds good, is relatively easy for me to play, and is appropriate for such occasions. Some of it is "classical," like some lighter/easier Schumann or Mozart, some is jazz standards, some is pop, and so on. This is not the time for a Beethoven piano sonata or anything "heavy" and extremely complicated. I have found a new binder that will collate stuff from the other ones, and it should contain about two hours worth of piano music in one source.

I don't think I'll practice everyday, although the next two would be ideal for getting going on this little project. It should be raining a lot today and tomorrow (remnants of official spring, me thinks), so I won't have to take breaks from writing to water the garden. Having a new "gig book" is exciting, and it has motivated me to try to find other places to play this book. Again, yahoo!

I realize that one aspect of my musical life (collecting all this music) has influenced my ability in another (playing weddings) which has reminded me that I could actually pick up other kinds of performing gigs (hotels, more weddings, background music for corporate events) and this has helped me feel better about writing all day because practicing piano is an attractive distraction. Allow me once more, YAHOO!

I am going to peek at my garden quickly to see moisture levels of the soil and stuff, but I think everything is doing well. After that, I'll begin today's "gig"---finishing Chapter 1. YAHOOOOO!

so much to do, so little time......

I love that phrase. Alas, 'tis true. So, briefly......

I'm about to begin grading 115 exams which are six pages each. Sheesh. Sorry, Mr. Tree.

I just stepped out onto my back patio because it's very windy and I wanted to check on my plants and newly-relocated tomatoes and peas. I found that a pot filled with daisy-something-or-others (yes, I'll stick to musicology for now since I can't even remember the name of a flower I bought two weeks ago...) had some dead/dying blossoms on it, so I started picking them off. There is an official phrase for picking the dead flowers off of a plant so that it can rejuvenate itself, and ya know what it is!?!?!? "Dead-heading." No shit. Makes me smile.

I'm listing to the Grateful Dead ALL DAY LONG as I pour through these exams and keep an eye on my garden crop through this crazy wind we have here in The Buff today. Not a bad way to spend a Thursday.........

The end of "Pop Music" (for this semester, at least!)

Last night, my Seminar in Pop Music met for its final class of the semester (excluding the final exam). This is the one where students create the content, which includes the study of popular music from 2000 through today. The textbook can't quite do this as accurately as my students, so we all do it together. They bring in the material, and I play DJ/video/audio controller. Fun fun fun. Youtube really helps on this day.

So, in a rather large nutshell:

1. "Bring in one song from one year spanning 2000-2009 that you feel represents popular music for that year."
2000----
2001--—Andrew W.K. “Party Hard”
—Gorillaz, “Clint Eastwood”
—N’Sync, “Pop”
—Orgy, “Fiction”
2002——Simple Plan, “I’d Do Anything” (power pop rock)
2003—Coheed & Cambria---“A Favor House Atlantic”
—Black Eyed Peas—“Where Is The Love?”
2004—Coheed & Cambria—“Blood Red Summer”

2006—Plus 44, “When Your Heart Stops Beating”
2007—One Republic, “Apologize” with Timbaland
2008—Katie Perry, “I Kissed A Girl”
Karson—Radiohead, “Reckoner”

Interesting, yes?

2. "Think of at least 3 bands that we didn't/couldn't cover in class who should definitely be discussed."

Incubus
Weird Al Yankovich
Garth Brooks
Johnny Cash
Ozzy Osbourne/Black Sabbath
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Judy Garland
Christina Aguilara
Depeche Mode
Charlie Parker
Coheed and Cambria
The Doors
Nine Inch Nails
Hootie and the Blowfish
The Backstreet Boys
Tears for Fears
The Mars Volta
Brittany Spears
Fall Out Boy
Morrissey/The Smiths
No Doubt/Gwen Stefani
Death Cab for Cutie
Third Eye Blind
Hanson
Brian Setzer/The Stray Cats
Kelly Clarkson
Radiohead
The Cure
Josh Grobin
Dashboard Confessional
Billy Idol
Foo Fighters
Stone Temple Pilots
Brand New
Rush
Journey
Reel Big Fish
Blink 182
Bush
Sevendust
Styx
Greenday
Weezer

Quite a list, yes? And, we did actually cover A LOT of material....but alas, how to do it all in 15 weeks?

3. "Name one or more bands who you would like to see REMOVED from the world of popular music completely." (This is always my favorite, and this question generated some surprising responses)

Nickelback
Vanilla Ice
Fall Out Boy
OutKast
Buckcherry
Chicken=dance dude
Hannah Montana
Creed
Will Smith
Jonas Brothers
Dream Theater
Hinder
J. Giles Band
John Mayer
Staind/Aaron Lewis
Revenge Sevenfold
Insane Clown Posse
Soldier Boy
Disturbed
My Chemical Romance
Great White
KISS
Tina Turner
Led Zeppelin
Pink Floyd
(Radiohead)
Scorpions
AC/DC
“Freebird”

So there you have it, folks. The past decade assessed through the wise eyes of college juniors and seniors. As I like to say in class, "Comments, anyone?"

38 thoughts, observations, and curiosities

In no order of importance, I'm just going to make a list of 38 things that pop into my mind now and then. I'd be interested in hearing yours as well (it's a "38" list only because I become that age today. I just figured it was as good a number as any other on a day like this one!)

1. Why is there so much music by Phil Collins being played on Buffalo airwaves lately? Like, he has so much music (whether it is good or bad....not getting into that today, although thinking about that Phil Collins "Sussudio-I'm-going-kill-you scene" in "American Psycho" makes me giggle) that every single station can justify playing SOMETHING. sheesh
2. Every time the movie "Overboard" is on TV, I drop what I'm doing and watch it. EVERY TIME! How many hours have I lost, Goldie?!?!
3. I have determined that the Led Zeppelin discography is the music that best soothes my savage beast (yes, the true phrase is "savage breast" but I prefer the erroneous adaptation).
4. My mother contemplated naming me "Erin." I like that.
5. I love the water and even have a pool, but why don't I actually like BEING in the water? When I have pool parties, I hardly ever go in. At the beach, I stare at the lake/ocean from afar. Kooky.
6. Will anyone really ever figure out what dreams mean? How can I dream of a place I've never been and come up with faces/names/scenarios that have NEVER occurred? I've read all kinds of theories, but what a wild mind I have while sleeping sometimes (nevermind when I'm awake!)
7. Will growing my own veggies in the garden this summer really be cheaper than buying them? How do I try to account for this....water, time, tending...if there is a monetary figure I could use, I think it will actually be more "expensive," but I KNOW that it will be more satisfying :)
8. When will Nickelback stop making records? TODAY, perhaps?!?!?! For the love of God!!!!
9. What "age" will be come after the Digital Age....
10. Why is it that I can remember lyrics to hundreds of songs but forget people's names, birthdays, phone numbers and so on.......
11. Who in their right mind listens to Rush Limbaugh? So much anger! Good grief!
12. I have been thinking about getting another tattoo, but have no idea where to put it or what to get. That doesn't make sense!
13. Who came up with "LOL"? I prefer ":)" I know it doesn't connote the same thing exactly, but it's friendlier IMHO (LOL!)....ok, I'll stop.
14. When and why did Rolling Stone change its magazine format from newsprint to glossy? I purchased the recent one with Kings of Leon on the cover (love them) and found the magazine's new style to be totally disconcerting. But, I then renewed my subscription......craziness.
15. I drive on a good stretch of the thruway twice a week to work and often see people pulled over, I'm guessing for speeding. What is the max you can go over the limit before setting off a trooper's radar? Everyone has a number....8 MPH, 9 MPH, 11 MPH over the limit....I've never gotten a speeding ticket, but consistently blaze a fast trail home after teaching....luck or timing on my part?
16. Regarding thruway driving, did my deer sensors really work? Did those little gadgets on the front bumper of my car REALLY keep the ol' babes away from my automated death machine (on their part) with their high-pierced soundwaves? How to tell? If I hit a deer, then no. If I don't? The jury stays out.....quite a marketing campaign the sales department of that company has on their side, yes? I haven't hit a deer....
17. I often think that if I was really dedicated to my career, I should be driving a Hyundai "Sonata".... LOL! :) At least at one point, I had a Ford "Taurus".....
18. One of the biggest lessons I have learned from my son is how easily words can affect a person.
19. My son really wants a dog, and I have really resisted this although so many people say having a dog as a kid was really cool. I debate this issue often....no clear decision yet.
20. What was my most valuable class in high school? I took the gamut......Typing was a GOOD choice. Calculus....not so much.
21. Does the phrase "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" REALLY help take away the sting of certain events? Yes, it does.
22. I have become a fan of "Sleeping/Taking Naps" on Facebook. Every time I go to that page and see the picture of the dude asleep on his desk, I crack up. See...I just did it, and I'm LOL-ing. Good stuff. :)
23. As for laughing, every time my son and I watch America's Funniest Videos (one of his fave shows right now), the clips that get my gut busting are the ones where people trip or fall down or something like that. Even if it looks REALLY painful for them. I just can't help myself. I feel bad when it happens in real life cuz I burst out laughing then, too.....oh, I am riddled with faults......
24. My "seasonal" allergies--which were really year-round ones--have all but disappeared, and I only found this out when I stopped taking my allergy meds (which I had been on since my son was born) because they weren't covered under my insurance anymore. Weird, right? I have no idea when I didn't need my meds anymore. Madness!!! My food allergies, however, have become more ambitious....
25. I stumbled upon a "paint can opener" at Lowe's the other day and snatched that baby for 39 cents. Genius! It's the simple gadgets in life that are ultimately the most helpful, me thinks....
26. I have a penchant for stubbing my pinkie toes. Ugh! Why? WHY? friggin' agony at least once a month....
27. Does speed-reading really work? I think it would be helpful for task-type reading, but I'd never want to blow through a Pynchon novel or a John Irving story. I savor the English language, sometimes...
28. I watched something about reincarnation the other night (couldn't sleep). What a wild concept.....how to figure this out? Hmmmmm.....
29. I think the thing I admire most in people--at this point--is kindness. Sheer kindness. I strive to be that as well, but often have uncomfortable memories of behaving badly. *Sigh*
30. Since I'm at #30, I had a great b-day that year. Really good memories. I'm a bit nervous about 40, though......don't know why, but definitely nervous. I'll have to wait that one out, yes?
31. In a battle of the bands between The Who and The Rolling Stones, I'm going with The Who.
32. My nickname in high school was "Boof." When people call me that, it makes me smile even still.
33. I really love the smell of Patchouli oil, although it drives my mother nuts. She thinks I smell "like dirt," and she has no qualms over saying that to me at any time she catches even the slightest whiff. Sometimes if I know I'll be seeing her, I'll rub some on just go to through that 20+-year old ritual with her. :) It's good being back home.
34. If I had to choose only one other instrument to learn how to play in my life, it would be the cello.
35. Will marijuana ever be legalized? I love this debate, and I do not smoke pot. It has never been my cup o' tea for whatever reason. Having said that, I've known/know people who do, and I love the absolute oddball logic nature of this argument. Holy hell. I drink Bud Lite and pretty much only that for several reasons: it's cheap, it can be found anywhere I may want to find it, it's a rice beer so my allergies stay at bay, and it goes down like water in this lil' body of mine. Good enough reasons for me. Having said THAT, alcohol does WAY more damage to our culture than a good stash of weed does.....yet the debate rages on......what a world.
36. Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite writer, and now that he has passed away, I always add to that thought, "but I'll never be able to see what he will write NEXT." And that feels a bit melancholy, to be honest.
37. In reference to #7, these are the things in my garden this year just because I am DYING to get this thing underway: garlic, yellow pear tomatoes, hot peppers, sweet peppers, carrots, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, regular ol' tomatoes, cilantro and peas. The only thing that could make my heart warmer is to have year-round avocados.....but some concessions have to be made while in The Buff, yes? *sigh*
38. When my son's bus comes down the street and stops in front of the house, I wait for those squeaky breaks, I walk to the door and I feel my heart jump when he bounds across the street and up the driveway toward our house. He'll be home any minute. As this is the last item on my list for today, I already know it is a good day for me, and hope yours is, too.

"Peace, Love and Happiness: the Next Generation"

Catchy title, yes? Over the weekend my son DVRd several episodes of Star Wars movies on TV, and since then, many of my thoughts have an additional tag, like, "Chicken Wings for Dinner: the Next Dietary Revolution" or "25 Tomato Plants Sprouting: My Next Career." Gotta keep it fun while in The Chair, I guess.....Anyway this blog is focused on the ("Most of the Time") in my blog title because......

Today is National Bring Your Child to Work Day. Which poses a problem for this Momertator (mom + dissertator=.....). My son is 9. A very cool 9, I might add. And, he's witnessed me doing all sorts of things to make some money including teaching piano students in our house (himself included), being in church every week as I lead choirs and congregations, tending to poinsettias at the ol' greenhouse, posting items and mailing stuff to customers from Ebay and Amazon, babysitting other people's children, I mean, the list goes on and on. But, as far as my "job" while he's in school relative to the chronology of other people's days (meaning those with more conventional employment, like 9-5ers), I am at home writing. So what does he do on a day like today? Pull up another Chair and become introduced to the mesmerizing world of writing a Dissertation? ah-hem......I am crazy, but not that crazy....

So, since it's Thursday, I'm taking him with me to the class I teach tonight. And, I've mentioned before that this is the class of 115 college freshman through seniors taking Music Appreciation from Professor Brady, yes? It's a huge room, there are many "interesting" factors to teaching a class this big, and the material is watered-down music history for the masses. But what other choice do I have at this juncture?

I'm kind of eager to see how this goes, and I have no uneasiness that my students, many of whom are 19+ but behave younger than my little son, will be fine and not act like jackasses. (Disclaimer #1: I have many great students in this class, but unfortunately, probability demonstrates that with a class this big, a portion will be assholes. And probability has proven correct yet again.).

Lately my son has been asking more direct questions about what I "do." This always makes me break out into a cold sweat, by the way, if only for a flash of a second. He saw me grading 115 quizzes over the past few evenings (and during part of the Star Wars marathon) and was curious. On the plane back from Denver last month, I had their tests and he watched my red Sharpie slash away at incorrect answers. He even offered comments like, "that kid didn't study much, huh, Mom?" or "do they have a music book to learn this like I have a math book?" etc. So he knows I'm a "teacher," but he has also asked lately about the hierarchy of education. He's in 3rd grade and his teacher is GREAT, but he's an active kid and can get bored at the same desk in the same room and so on (February was ROUGH on all of us). His favorite classes are gym and lunch even as he has straight As....that sort of thing. A friend of ours has a son in junior high (our term for "middle school" in these parts), and our sons play together often. Mine is fascinated with the whole changing-classes thing and having-your-own-locker thing that happens in 7th grade. He's DYING to be in junior high. (Disclaimer #2: I hope the bubble doesn't burst once he gets there. You couldn't pay me 19 bazillion dollars to return to 7th grade. For real. And I need the money!)

When asked, I've explained to him how he'll go to junior high then high school then college (planting the seed early on that yes, indeed, college is in the grand plan). And, I've mentioned how some kids live at home and commute to places like the University of Buffalo or Buff State and how some move away from home and live at their school. His eyes grew big and he sort of shyly told me that he'd like to live at school (which brought immediate tears to my eyes accompanied by a proud smile from his Momertator). *sigh* Nine years left.....

Oddly, this all leads me to think very little about how things will go tonight...we'll pack a bag of tricks for him and he'll help me pass things out and whatnot. I'm going to give him a little tour of campus, the Music Building, my office, the library, grab a snack at my little coffee cart, etc. He'll be fine. Instead, my mind wanders/wonders about what HE will be like when he finds himself a seat in a big lecture hall at his future campus. From my perspective, I look at my students week to week, and many former students I see on campus, and witness, sometimes in utter astonishment, their physically "adult" status and their conceptually (in my mind) "kid" status. I wonder what he'll think about his teachers, how he will get himself to class, what he'll do outside of class (tough one, there) and how he will be viewed by his peers and professors. I have no worries about his academics and interests and socializing (which those of you who know him will probably concur). But, man, will he carry some of the joy and optimism and hippie-tye-dye of his momma through such a quagmire of experiences? Will he find something he REALLY DIGS and forge his way ahead toward it? Will he believe in the ultimate goodness in the world even as so many around him demonstrate the opposite? Will he be happy? *Gulp.*

....I have a fascinating window from which to peer into this world due to this particular aspect of my "work day," don't I....every semester I watch my students grow yet they stay the same...I will always have freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors. Just their faces change. My son, however, will gradually get closer to them and soon, those worlds will collide. It blows my mind and I am slightly exhilarated and slightly uncomfortable at the same time.

It makes me cherish every moment of him and my Momertator status even though I often forget to do that. I know I bitch about and bemoan my life "status" as it is right now, but holy shit....soon it will change. He will change, maybe even a bit by the time he jumps off the bus later today! So, remind me that I wouldn't change this for the world, or even 19 bazillion dollars, K?

peace love happiness.....yes?

A few things I thinking of this morning before I start workin' on the Diss (and i have two hours before a piano student comes....that's my time chunk for now)......

Last night, The Dead played at the HSBC arena. I was torn about buying tickets when they went on sale because I teach a Tuesday night class that only meets once a week. But, jeeze.....The Dead. In the spring. The day before Earth Day. In the sign of the Taurus (which it now is and which I will forever remain.....). How many more nudges did I need? But, alas, I didn't cancel class and use an accrued sick-day (although my students whole-heartedly suggested I do so......nice.....) and instead discussed the 1980s with them. Oddly enough, I was able to work The Grateful Dead into the class in two effortless ways:

1. The rekindling of the GD spirit took the late 80s and a whole new generation of neo-hippies (myself included) by storm in 1987 with the release of In the Dark and the video for "Touch of Gray" in high-rotation on MTV (when they used to play music videos....). So we watched the video via youtube. Good stuff still.
2. I have a concert DVD from the July 4, 1989 Dead show at Rich/Ralph Wilson stadium, and was at that show (see post from 7/17/08, "The Hart of the Matter"). It was the first of my many travels with the Dead. Watching that DVD last night transported me back 20 years into that late-adolescent-just-finished-high-school-and-it's-summer-so-let-the-games-begin kind of vibe. And that feels really good.

So, my students and I got to "see" the Grateful Dead a bit even though I missed the show last night. The review was favorable (but not all that informative....see Buff News online). Hopefully they will tour again....

Oddly enough, I don't listen to the Grateful Dead much anymore. I have a great selection of bootlegs that have accumulated over the years and a ton of their commercial releases, but they seem to have taken on a very very personal role in my musical life. Their music has the perfect spirit for when I'm outside gardening or soon-to-be sitting by the pool and working around the house. And my son! He must get some ear-time with these tunes! But, I play them often in my car on the way to work. In my own space. I don't usually sing along, either. I just listen. And smile. So, maybe I'll start to play that more when I'm outside working rather than listening to the radio (which is getting old...not a great market here in The Buff).

It feels like mid-April has opened up a whole bunch of new things in these parts, and that's the great "gift" of surviving Buffalo winters, me thinks. The renewal of energy, remembering past feelings of inspiration, allowing new ideas to float and stick. Being a Taurus in the time of Taurus is good for me this time of year, too. The fact that my strongest astrological sign occurs when I need it most is never lost on me.....

So, four days of 70+ degree weather headed our way. Peace love and happiness rises again. I'm writing well on the Diss. I'm sleeping well at night and not taking naps. Away go the sweaters this weekend, out come the sandels and sundresses, and out come The Dead into my more public musical domain. Good thing I have great and tolerant neighbors.

Well, the Diss awaits, but it is a calm and serene feeling I have today as I recognize all the swirly goodness around me that penetrates and scatters all the negative news going on (like, really.....tragedy after tragedy, violence and more violence.....yuck. Off goes the news. Click.). I'll soon post a Grateful Dead playlist that will be my soundtrack for the weekend. Or, better yet, help me out suggest some of your own! It takes a village after all....and hopefully we're all wearing tye-dye!

red, black and blue---yet sunny?

Ugh! I've been making some SERIOUS PROGRESS on my Dissertation these past few weeks. Like, really good stuff. Like, I can see the PhD in sight, that diploma gripped within my insanely tight little fist. But, duuuuuuuude.....my work is a fucking MESS right now. Dear God!

At some point in 2008 (it's in the archives....ok, I'll look. hold on......from 6/17/08, "Seeing Red") I posted about my writing process, that early drafts are in red font, then with revision they go to blue, then with full edit, to black and they are "done" until my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post from March 09) tells me to go back and fix them. Then, the process starts over again. Sounds like fun, yes? Um, no.

In fact, just now as my boyfriend walked past my office and saw me with my head in my hands, he said, "What's wrong, honey?" and my response? "Why didn't I become a gardner?!?!? How did any of you allow me to think that GRAD SCHOOL was a GOOD IDEA!?!?!?!?"

Good stuff. And true to boot. ANYWAY, now that I have all my organizational ducks in a row, I'm piecing together these chapters from my writing strewn all over creation (well, ok...my office). And, it is a multi-colored tye-dye swirl of little letters twinkling on screen before me. *sigh*.

I have time, though. My classes at Fredonia are in the homestretch, and as I've reported in the past (check December 08), I shift the burden of the end of the semester onto my students (cuz that's the type o' Professor I am....ha ha). So, my workload for teaching is lowered. My son is done with vacation and back at school. This weekend will be awesome weather-wise so I am less tempted to go work in the garden, blast tunes and drink beers right now (notice "less tempted" not "fully denying the urge"....must....be...careful). So, yes, yes, this will all come together.

The lesson I am learning right now (jesus i just typed "write now"....get me out of this Chair!) is another one that I am sure someone told me many times before which I heard but didn't really believe so then I didn't listen until it came ringing back right now: Find a spot to be comfortable to stop and move forward or you will continue to rewrite and rewrite and never finish. This means that I am just going to keep writing in red.....plowing through material, cutting and pasting and NOT going back to revise to blue until I reach page 20 of this chapter (The Intro). THEN I will go back. Progress implies a forward motion, not a spinning-of-the-wheels, yes?

So, onward in red even though that makes me feel like I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. I mean, I do, but it's based on work that has already been done. I'm putting the pieces together.....at least I don't have to go find the pieces, I already have them. And they are going together well (right? please say "yes"). Yes they are.

Ok. Back to work.

ahhhhh, Brahms....

Tonight I wrap up teaching the Romantic era to my large Mus Apprec class. Large meaning 115 students spanning all years of college levels, freshman to seniors. I've written about this class before, and plowing through 1500 years of Western music history is a strange teaching gig. There are many cool things about it, though. For instance:

--I am reminded how much this crazy shit fascinates me as I teach it. Without "having" to go through this material--especially the Medieval/Renaissance and Baroque eras--I wouldn't be working with it much because I prefer music from the mid-18th century through today. But, in essence, I love it all. I really do.
--I am reminded how much I really like teaching. I refer to the character of this class as "herding cats," meaning that I am constantly trying to focus these 115 wandering minds on the material. So, I'm sort of performing in a way....more theatrical, more dramatic, louder (it's a big room), sort of on the spot and constantly being kept on my toes. But, I like that. It energizes me.
--I don't get to talk much about the United States until the "modern" period (20th-century), but find that on my way home (45 min. drive), I think about the concurrent events that were occurring in our country in tandem with those of Europe. Interesting stuff (to me).
--I think that even though there are many students in this class who don't give a hearty hoot about this material and are taking it for the Core Credit requirement, I KNOW that there are those who do like this material. I can only hope that they have good vibes about this class. And, I get to teach it next semester, too.
--I am reminded how importantly I view music in the world. I think I actually understand the world THROUGH music. And, being reminded of that makes me want to burst into tears with gratitude to my parents and friends and teachers over the years who recognized that I "get it" and helped and supported me.
--There is so much music to cover that much DOESN'T get covered. But, the ones that we discuss, analyze and listen to more closely are some of my favorites. And tonight, BRAHMS. *Sigh*. He breaks my heart every time.

Right now, I am listening to the second movement, the Adagio, of his first piano concerto and I feel so peaceful or something. If you don't know this piece, you will have to take my word for it.....but it DOES SOMETHING to me. It settles me down. And much of Brahms music does this. I hope everyone has a person or artist or something in the way that I "have" Brahms. It's like, when I listen to his music--and this goes for almost ALL OF IT!--the world seems to crack open a bit and beauty, humility, and gentleness flow slowly out of that crack and directly into my body.

Brahms's style has been debated over and over in musicology. So has his personality. He was a Taurus, ya know, like myself. He lived and composed during the Romantic era, but did not indulge in the style of writing "program" music, meaning compositions whose music reflected or told a story or followed a plot. His is "absolute" music....a piano concerto is just that. A bunch of sounds that don't necessarily MEAN anything. But, holy shit....THEY DO! They mean a lot.

I can't keep going on and on about this cuz I do have other things to attend to today, but I find music that ISN'T supposed to "do" anything--like reflect a plot or story--and just "is" ends up being much more profound for me. Brahms gets meaning in his music somehow, and music philosophy/theory continues to debate just how our lil' brains process any of it and make sense of it at all. I certainly don't have those answers, but I can feel it when it happens. Right into my bones.

In this piano concerto, for example, within the first two minutes--as the orchestra begins the slow and luscious theme and then the piano enters--I can FEEL some kind of meaning. Brahms and I begin communicating. I don't always even know how to translate those feelings into words, but I am in a dialog with Brahms through this piano concerto. I am certain of that. I don't know the "meaning" behind this breathtaking piece of music and I don't know what he was thinking while he wrote it. And, I don't even know what he and I are actually communicating at all. (AND, now I'm even confusing myself by trying to communicate this to you!!! ha ha).

Oh, I don't know. I can spout all kinds of facts and musical razzle-dazzle, but here I sit, happy and warm, listening to Brahms, and I can't speak coherently about it.

Maybe that's the point. There are no words, really, that can describe what is going on in this comforting swirl of sounds that collapses historical time--Brahms's time over 130 years ago in Vienna and Judy time here in The Buff--when this music plays. But, it is my job this evening to introduce Brahms to my students. Maybe after a little biography on him, I'll just let the music play. And say nothing. Just let it be, so to say....

I'm stopping now. I'm going to start this piece over and just listen quietly. Maybe twice.....

"springing" toward a finished chapter....

Couldn't resist using some sort of weather-related metaphor for today. We are gonna have a BEAUTIFUL day here in the Buff and I have scheduled NO TIME to really enjoy it. Until 3:30pm, that is, when my son comes home and we shoot hoops in the driveway or play catch or something until I leave for work. I do hope to open a window or two and recycle the air in my house though. These things need to be done. Yesterday was the first day of April and with it came a little rain. "April showers bring May flowers." Music to my ears, for real.

So the past two weeks have felt like I was living in 5th gear, flying down the highway with the cruise control set at 85 while I used my free hand and feet to seriously multi-task. Between going to Denver for SAM (which was great) and completely revising my Univ Buffalo paper and giving it last Saturday (which was great for me and I hope those who heard it liked it), only today do I feel like things have settled down. Phew.

My "new" Diss feels so good to me right now. I spent parts of Monday and Tuesday creating an entirely new folder of Diss material on my computer (my files and info were a MESS....a true sign for me that things had gotten way out of hand), complete with a page of outline notes for each chapter. Then I created real files--like ones you can actually touch and put things in with your hands) on the floor of my office and sorted all the research docs and copies I have (those were a mess, too....it was timely in many many ways that my revision breakthrough came when it did, me thinks), and TAH-DAH! I have five chapters of material and I know how to complete them. Holy canoli, Batman.

The intro will always be this nebulous gooey combination of written words that will be the last chapter to put to bed. But, the outline is very helpful because it keeps me focused in a very precise and efficient way. I don't have to read through pages of text to know what I'm supposed to be talking about. I just look at the outline and see the logic (well, of course, that's relative 'cuz it's MY logic....so, I may be the only one who sees it, but AT LEAST I CAN SEE IT, yes?) and relate it to the other chapters.

After giving my paper at UB, I spent another chunk of Tuesday editing it into a reader-friendly paper (verses a speaker-friendly paper) so I could send it to my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post for the origin of her new moniker). I had to do this because when I read a conference paper outloud, I read it (I think) based on how I talk naturally with a bit more professionalism to my voice. But, as I write that conference paper, I do things like I do here in the ol' M(MotT) to remind myself to EMPHASIZE words or stress a certain phrase, like capitals, bolds, italics. So my paper looks very goofy, but I can read it very well. So, I smoothed it out for my adWISER and sent it off to her, which felt good. Haven't heard back, but feel hopeful. She's a busy lady after all......

Anyway, my task for today involves Diss stuff and other stuff. My sleepy son is waking up as I type this. When he leaves in about 45-minutes--and before he returns seven hours later--I have to grade 115 quizzes for my class tonight and assemble my bag for work to include all the stuff I need for a class of that magnitude (we are in the Romantic era....yahoo!!!). That takes awhile, but since I wrote the quiz and have taught this class many times, I constructed the quiz for maximum assessment value AND minimum grading fatigue (I'm sure any math readers could find a fun equation there: MAV + MGF==MJT (more Judy-time)). But grading isn't the only issue.....entering the grades is a science of its own. I have to organize the quizzes alphetically as I grade them in order to enter the grades before a new millenium dawns. So, that's my system. And it sucks doing it. But, that has to get done. Time deadline on that one.

What I'm really eager to do is re-read the 42 pages written for the Diss that were originally the first-half of Chapter 2 and have no become---TAH-DAH--all of Chapter 2. The details of that chapter are pretty much there (professional music making in Buffalo, 1804--1860). The missing links are ideology and comparitive scholarship, like what is all "means" and what work from other, more knowledgable and tenured scholars can corroborate or differentiate my own work. I like doing that, too. So I'm going to start inserting this other "stuff" today. And I have ideas of what that will be!!!! It's like putting the last pieces of a puzzle together. Filling in the holes. Watching the complete image emerge. And oddly enough, I love puzzles.....

ANYWAY, those are the things I need and want to do today. Tomorrow is shot. My son has a half-day of school, I need to go grocery shopping and to the gym=no writing tomorrow. Judy Day. Things that I don't need but want to do today include using the 12 green Miller Chill bottles in my garage to start some spider-plant seedlings (green bottles work better for rooting cuttings, IMHO), laundry, working on my garden, cleaning out my flower beds, and searching through landscaping websites for ideas (my backyard is now carte-blanche since the trees came down). So, I'm in trouble.

But, I'm in The Chair and will fight to stay here in order to complete the two major tasks of the day. And I will do that.

Another sign that I'm in the homestretch.....I put my book "How to Write a Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day" on sale at Amazon on Tuesday. Someone bought it last night. It's already packed and ready to go (ooops, gotta stop at the post office on the way to work today....). I included a little note on the invoice slip to the buyer of this book. It says, "Thanks for buying. Good luck!!!" And I truly mean it. He's gonna need it.....

Spring has sprung!

"...see some old friends, good for the soul..."

I have quoted lyrics before as a nifty way of leading into my posts. Never before, however, has Bob Seger made his way on board. Might as well say hello to the Silver Bullet Band, as well. Welcome, dudes.

Anyway, I didn't go to Katmandu last week, but I did go to Denver for the Society for American Music conference. And, as I always try to multi-task, I saw a bunch of all friends from my days as a Denverite, some friends from The Buff that live in CO now, and some cool musicologists.

I'm still trying to finish this paper I'm presenting at the University of Buffalo conference THIS SATURDAY (gulp. It's not done. But it will be. Yes. Yes.), so I'll just summarize a few thoughts and head back to the Microsoft Word docs lurking beneath this browser window.

--The weather was amazing, and I am a big fan of and highly sensitive to weather conditions. While I see progress in Buffalo regarding spring-ness, Denver had it all going on. Mid-60s to high 70s, cloudless skies, no rain (which for me was fine until my throat was so dry I could barely speak), and so on. So, good vibes from Mother Nature (note: I just hope that no random passerby driving through the surrounding areas of Denver decides to throw a cigarette butt out of the car and onto the parched landscape. As a Denver native put it, "Oh, it's so dry here. One spark, no doubt about it, we're all gonna BURN!!!!")

--The SAM conference was great. Really great. Such a cool crowd of people. And, I saw several really good papers...one about Motown in England, one about working class Irish/black workers along waterways in the Midwest/Buffalo region (including the Erie Canal!!) and the development of minstrelsy (using art works as examples as well...way cool), one about hip hop in Berlin and all sorts of big and complex issues of race, identity, ownership, territory, space (again, way cool), one about Gershwin's biographer and the implications of communication, expectation and personal investment.....good stuff.

--The SAm conference was great, part 2. I was able to see friends of mine that WERE graduate students have recently become full-on PhDs. This gives me great hope. For real. When I hit the conference circuit back in 2002 in search of a good PhD program in musicology, I met some TREMENDOUS grad students around the country that I feel priviledged to still connect with. Many have kids now (or even did then) and I find myself as one of many Momertators (and Dadertators) trying to sort out the messiness of creating the "whole life"--work, research, poverty (academic-style), and family. Ahhhhhhh. It was very healthy. I have faith.

--The SAM conference was great, part 3. The hotel bar (yes, usually cheesy, but with a captive audience, they couldn't fail) displayed continuous college basketball while providing cheap and refreshing beverages and an all-day NCAA happy hour. My heart feels warm and fuzzy just thinking about it (oh, I'm second-to-last in my bracket pool. Of almost 200 people. *Sigh* Yes, I'll stick to academia).

--Two amazing friends from Buffalo now live near Denver. On Saturday, after two days of conferencing, I met up with them for the day. This may have been the best way to end such a trip because it just made everything seem like it came back around again, like a big loop of my life not feeling so fragile and breakable anymore. Thanks Molly (and Shawn) and Tommy. I have faith.

--We can call it a recession, but there was little evidence of this in Denver. Molly and I strolled the streets of downtown on Sunday only to find no parking and every bar/restaurant PACKED with people. Again, very refreshing (compared to how winter/spring behaves in The Buff) and again, I have faith.

I will finish this degree and my goal is to do so in time for the next SAM conference in Ottawa (OTTAWA!?!?! What the holy hell? Well, at least I can drive there.....). This way, it would be my last conference as a student. For real and forever. "...there I go, turn the page...."

OK---Back to work. And that feels REALLY good to say.

Baby Steps

After my rather over-blown yet somewhat cathartic Dissertation experience last week (see previous post), I gathered my wits and set down some guidelines. Two things drive my latest task: I leave for the Society for American Music conference in Denver one week from today; I present a paper on my Diss research at the University of Buffalo Grad Student Conference 17 days from today. Neither of these things, incidentally, am I overly prepared for.

The current task is writing a 10-page paper that will take about 20 minutes to read at the UB conference. I think I'll have a hand-out as well (no idea how many to anticipate in the audience....note to self: find out). The topic is "The BPO Gets a New Deal" (BPO=Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra). When I sent in the proposal, this topic was a smaller version of one chapter of my Diss. Since the whole revision and whatnot, this topic IS my Diss. Hmm.

Now that my Diss seems reasonably reasonable (love THAT grammar?!?!) in that I have a plan that doesn't make my stomach burn, I feel good about it. Part of my self-analysis from last week came as a result of having to get this smaller paper together. I REALLY like this topic now. Ten pages should be nothing.

Hummpph. Sure. But, where to begin? Such a small about of info for this particular task compared to what I have for the whole Diss. It's like a summary of all of my work, but I want it to be good and interesting and generate some Q & A afterwards.....the usual. AND, it has to have some sort of conclusion which I HAVEN'T gotten to in my Diss. So, this will be taking up all of my time until I leave for Denver in ONE WEEK. Plus other goodies always rolling around these parts that eat away at precious minutes with the verve and tenacity of a soon-to-be caterpillar run amok in my soon-be-blooming garden. These things happen, don't they....

But, this task DOES seem manageable and I am starting it right now. I'll keep ya posted. And, if anyone is interested in attending the paper, I'll post the schedule when it becomes available.

Little things. Baby steps. Small tasks even if they seem large. 10 pages. Got it.

Dissertation Redux

This is a long one. Please bear with me....

Welllllllllll, it's been a wild and woolly month in The Chair (see post 7/10/08). I don't remember last winter being so difficult. While the seasons come as predicted each year, the various components of my life always change. So, while EVERY winter in The Buff sucks--the luster of snow and coziness and hunkering down diminishes exponentially through Jan and Feb--this one seems outrageously unbearable. And, I haven't been on my game enough to confront and conquer the antsy-ness, the boredom, the darkness (sunshine-wise), the chill in the air....and these elements seep and crawl into many many many others, at least for me.

I haven't progressed on my Dissertation in any fashion that accounts for how much time I have to work on it. For real. It's a writing project that is different than any other I've undertaken, including my Masters theses (I wrote two). I have many ideas of "books" that I want to write OTHER THAN this one. In a sense, that's what this Diss is, a research-based, academically appropriate 250-page tome that reflects my graduate education in musicology. But I have to get this one done before I gently lift the lid to the Idea Box (see post 2/11/09) and REALLY get going on some good stuff. A Diss is a Diss. It's not fun, but it has to get done.

It's not to say that my Diss won't be good. I think it will, actually, and for the most part I've had faith in myself to make it of good quality, reflective of my character, and a valid contribution to the field of musicology. And sometimes, it has been fun. I like writing. Thinking.

Problem: about two months ago, I lost all interest in it. Actually, I lost interest in A LOT of things. Simultaneously, I could feel something brewing that gave me anxiety---I began thinking and feeling that I was not going to be able to finish The Diss. Like, actually incapable. I couldn't grasp the point of it. It/I had lost focus, had lost interest, had lost that flash of ambition that (in my mind) screams, "hell, yeah. Let's do this." Gone, lost, but not forgotten. Sitting there, in my office filled with books and notes and deadlines. Until this Diss is finished, I have to pay tuition every semester AND I'm in an academic holding pattern--not really hirable at the tenure-track level, destined to remain in Limbo Land hustling part-time goofy jobs, eeking out a living like I have been FOREVER, never getting it done. Quitting. Failing.

So I sat on these feelings for awhile, not really letting on to people around me what was happening, faking it:

"Things are good!" (lie)
"Oh, still workin' on it. Making progress, though."(bigger lie).
"I love having the time at home to write." (biggest lie)
"Everything's great! Just a little tired, that's all." (goin' straight to hell for that one).

It was noticeable, however, but I would just sigh and glibly utter, "Can't wait til spring!" (truth that hides the lies). blah blah blah.

When I was younger, I wouldn't have sat on this kind of uncomfortable, awful, edgy, embarrassed, discombobulated kind of existence for very long, or at least as long as I have so far. I would have said, "well, insert quick and final decision here and that's that." I have had to learn patience---yes, my friends reading this are nodding, yes----and it don't come easy to this lil' Taurus Bull. Instead of snapping my fingers, jutting out my hip (with one hand on) and swaggering toward some "new" plan that was quick and easy, I have--since mid-January--been watching myself, listening to myself, watching the world, listening to the world. And waiting. Waiting.

It's been excruciating.

But, then....something changed...perhaps, along with the sunshine last week. And the Beethoven (see post 2/26/09). And my son's continuous hugs and hopes and dreams. And my mother's unflagging support. And whatever the fuck else. A crack formed in all of this, a crack with some light beyond it. The anxiety began to wither away. I slept better, and not during the day (napping became a regular activity around here). My brain started to focus better. An idea. I had one!

I approached my Dissertation adviser with this "idea" that suddenly HIT me. Like a real hit. I could feel it mentally and physically. It had a voice. IT WOKE ME OUT OF A SOUND SLEEP (which is like waking the dead). And idea. I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it. It found me, and I heard it.

An aside: there is no "How to Write a Dissertation" manual. Authors have made money selling books with such titles, and while I've actually read them, there is no accounting for each individual's Dissertation process. Period. I've already sold back many of those books.

Anyway, I should really call my Dissertation adviser my adWISEr. She is no joke. She has told me from DAY ONE that this process has no rules (except for getting it done). That I have to know myself better than I ever have (which, of COURSE, I thought I already did). That there will be many lessons learned and unexpected hurdles to leap. There is no mold. No path to take. I have to do it on my terms.

When I told her of my recently-formulated new idea (I called her after writing down my thoughts in a prepared speech-like thing so I could actually make sense....and slamming two beers....see? I do know myself!!!), her comment was, "Congratulations. You did it. You crossed that barrier and you needed to. I could have told you what needed to be fixed, but that wouldn't have been any fun, would it?" I had feared for the worst, of being told I was really destined to simply not be able to do this after all, that I might as well throw in the towel because this idea could never work as a PhD Dissertation in Musicology.

Not in a long time have a felt the simultaneous need to cry, vomit, and belly-laugh as I did after our conversation.

The Idea (in a nutshell):

--my ORIGINAL Diss proposal contains the evidence needed to support a book about three of Buffalo's predominant music cultures as they negotiated the Great Depression and New Deal programs. They are: the symphonic culture (mainly the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra), the Polish community and issues of assimilation/heritage and "Americanization," and the jazz community and issues of travel, cultural space, racism and class. The title is "Performing the Nation: Music Cultures in Buffalo, New York, 1925-1940." This proposal contains grand theories and sweeping ideologies that meld music performance, economics and cultural geography. Five chapters. 300 pages. This is HUGE project working with archival materials, various libraries, people, .....I mean, just huge. The most and best work has been on the BPO chapter and the "Brief History of Music in Buffalo, 1804--1925" chapter. So, still A LOT of work ahead.

--my REVISED Diss proposal contains the evidence needed to support a book about how the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra wrestled its way through the Great Depression and New Deal and emerged successfully (and remains today). The REVISED title is, "Performing the Nation: The Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra Gets a New Deal." This proposal contains good theories and relevant ideologies that meld music performance, politics, economics, and cultural geography. Five chapters. 200 pages. This is a NARROW project that provides a lens (the BPO) with which to view and blend other passions and interests of mine: archival materials (already secured from the National Archives last November), economics, the Great Depression, cultural theory, and the idiosyncracies of Buffalo's musical past. A specific focus that I AM EXCITED ABOUT. With all of these changes, my Diss is half done. I could finish it this summer. For real.

This may not sound as dramatic of a lesson-learned as I made it out to be. But, it NEVER OCCURRED to me to lop off huge portions of my proposed idea. I mean, I committed to that topic. I had to do it, right?

Nope. The "Judy's Manual for Writing a PhD Dissertation" now contains a valuable lesson that my adWISEr forced me to learn on my own, as painful as it was: stop and listen. Never be afraid of change. Be patient. Never feel like change is a failure of the present. Be passionate. Don't compromise.

The REVISED Diss makes me very happy. Finally.

And, the sun is out.

Beethoven at the BPO

I attended the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra last Saturday night. I've been thinking about it ever since. As I've come to realize, this singular event collapsed SEVERAL different threads and energies swirling around me lately. I think only by writing through them here at M(MotT) can I finally bring it all together. Ready?

I don't remember the first time I ever attended a "symphony" concert. I have had college-aged students attend such events for the first time ever as part of their grade in our course. Obviously, they would remember that. I don't. It was definitely before college, but I have no recollection of where, with whom, why, etc. It was not a common activity in my family, none of my close friends were into music like I was (meaning heavy private lessons, practice, performances, etc. as a kid)...I just can't recall. But, I love the sound of a live orchestra. As a pianist, I'm always astounded by the "group" element of an orchestra. My musical training was highly individualistic...practicing alone, performing solo, talking only to myself at the piano, etc. I could, alone, play the whole piece. It takes almost 80 musicians in an orchestra to perform their music, one line and instrument at a time simultaneously....Interesting that I can't remember my "first" professional orchestra concert.

I used to attend these events a lot, especially in Denver, but also in Madison. I loved it. Since moving back to Buffalo 1.75 years ago, however, I have not stepped foot into Kleinhans Music Hall for a BPO concert. Not a single one! Now, I can attribute this to all sorts of excuses--babysitters, cost, finding people to go with, negotiating downtown Buffalo (this is very lame as I love urban settings, but living in the 'burbs has made me wimpy, me thinks), and so on. Several concerts were very powerful--chills, tears, euphoria, etc. It's been too long since I participated in these experiences.

Classical "art" music has taken a back seat to my habits and hobbies since leaving graduate school and moving to The Buff. In fact, I have realized that MUCH of my music listening has taken a back seat as I have tried to resume/instigate a "normal" life 'round these parts. I teach piano lessons but don't practice much on my own. I teach about pop music but find my days steeped in silence while I write. I teach about classical music but rarely play it in my home (or, obviously, attend concerts). I think it but don't feel it. What the hell is going on with me?

I haven't gone somewhere alone in a very long, long time. I mean, yes, the grocery store, errands, all that bullshit. But like, an adventure on my own. And I attended the BPO alone. It was a last minute decision due to other plans being cancelled. My son was already at my mom's for the night, and I just suddenly remembered that pianist Andre Watts was performing Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5, nicknamed "the Emporer," with the BPO. I immediately hummed the main theme in my head and remembered that that piece is a MONSTER. And I love Watts. So, off I went. No child, no boyfriend, no one to take care of or deal with. Phone off. Just me. It was awesome.

BPO conductor JoAnne Falleta dedicated the performance of the Beethoven "Emperor" concerto to the victims/families/community affected by the Continental plane crash in Cheektowaga two weeks ago. Watts is an astounding, suburb and confident pianist. I'm really speachless as far as how to describe the 40-minutes or so that it took for the "Emperor" to resound through the hall. It was like I was transfixed, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. It felt like I was in another world! I thought writing about it would help, but maybe the whole notion of "words can't describe it" applies here.

I saw this piece performed before in Denver. I can't remember the pianist, though (male, but the name alludes me right now). I did not feel the same way about that experience as I do about the one five days ago. And I think that's the point. I'm not the same person. I'm not negotiating the same things. And I'm not doing the same things and some of them--like striking out on more adventures and doing more things that I truly enjoy--need to be done more often.

I felt like an "Emperoress" walking out of Kleinhans the other night! Whoo-whee! There was power in that performance and it found me, someone who on that particular day and for all kinds of particular reasons, needed some recharging. I pictured Beethoven grabbing me by the shoulders, shaking me, scowling and shouting, "Wake up! Wake up! Stand up! Shout! Smile! WAKE UP!" It was wild. I can't describe it any better than that, I'm afraid.

And I hope I never forget it.

Idea Box

I have a handmade, woven wood basket box-like thing with a flip-up lid (how's that for clear and concise writing?!?! sheesh) that sits on the bottom right shelf of my desk where I am perched now. My mother bought it for me at a craft fair my senior year of high school (which was not recently), and in the midst of a renewed popularity of The Grateful Dead (thanks MTV!), a very artistic friend of mine painted a perfect, green Dancing Bear in the bottom right hand corner. I've taken it to every place I've lived since then. When I look down past my right elbow right here in The Buff, I can see the little guy smiling up at me and "dancing." It makes me smile, too.

I am a taskmaster, to be sure, making lists, checking them off twice, and so on. But, since childhood, I have displayed a keen knack for finding 92 things to derail myself from the task at hand from time to time. Usually, it's because of two different reasons (which often act simultaneously): 1. I find the task at hand undesirable at the moment and/or 2. something occurs to ignite inspiration for other interests which have taken a back seat due to the task at hand. Right now, both are acting in tandem, and my Dissertation is at risk, I'm afraid.....

I love writing and really love research. And I love naps. Academia is for me! But, my Diss is bringing me down (#1 above)--I'm over it, not excited by it, need to do something about it, can't figure that part out, and so on--and, in my little mind, (#2 above) The Diss is preventing me from other projects. Of course! And, (#2 again) the weather is warm, I can see grass and sidewalks, I can stand outside without a parka, and I'm ready to go to Home Depot, rent a roto-tiller, buy some compost and get my garden going (yes, it's going to snow by the weekend but SO WHAT!??! Such truths have no impact on days like today...)

It is certainly not willpower or anything noble about myself that keeps me linked to reality on days like today. No way. Instead, my Dancing Bear box keeps me tied to today's task (Diss writing) and in The Chair more often than not, and I hope it proves itself once again.

This box is my Idea Box. It is filled to the brim with 3x5 cards and scrap paper containing scribbled words, phrases, and incoherent babble that, throughout the years, have blasted into my brain simply to wreak havoc and derail me. For sure. I don't dare LOOK IN THE BOX AND READ MY CARDS because I might as well as just call my dissertation adviser and bid her farewell. But, those cards are there. And more will be added today. Too many ideas. Get them in the box. I have pages of "research" to do.

The idea of the Idea Box was mentioned to me loooooong ago, I think. Oddly, I can't even figure out where or by whom, to be honest. Self-help seminar? Not sure I've ever attended one (and therein lies the rub....ha ha). Mentor? Perhaps, but who? Did I just come up with this on my own? Doubtful. But I like the ol' I.B. because it DOES help me stay on task, it allows me to get my little thoughts OUT of my head but doesn't cut them off either. It just allows them to percolate together as dancing ditties under the lid.

But most of all, I like the potential of the Idea Box, the gaze it has toward the future, the momentum it holds inside. I've been feeling badly about my dissertation, and with it being winter in The Buff (still, and perhaps forever!??!), I've been in a funk. Totally. I feel like I'm on a treadmill led by Microsoft Word documents that is a never-ending loop going nowhere. I'm just running running running typing typing typing.....I am not foolish enough to open the Idea Box and get going on some new (and MORE EXCITING) project nor am I going to Home Depot to buy fresh gardening gloves for AT LEAST a month....but sometimes, like this morning, like 2 minutes before I starting writing this post, I must look down to make sure that it is still there and grab some new 3x5-ers. Yes, my green bear is still dancing. My ideas are still dancing......maybe I am still dancing. Even in The Chair.

Ok, back to work.