I took a nap on Saturday!!!!! For real! In the afternoon. For two hours. This is a beloved behavior off mine that I have missed dearly. I felt so refreshed and calm and mellow after that 40-winks. Ahhhhhh.
Then the clocks changed.
I have never really been a procrastinator. What needs to get done becomes part of a prioritized list in my lil' noggin (or in my Steno pad) that my days respond to and accomplish. I'd rather just do it and get it over with than let it hang and become a problem (i.e. stress).
I have noticed, however, that as I've gotten older and am working from home and have all of these jobs, that my Task Master sometimes goes on strike, if you will. Instead of getting things done, my TM will find deliciously nonsensical things to do instead. It's making me crazy. I'm making me crazy. I leave for D.C. to do archive research TOMORROW, today is the election, my son is home from school, I have nineteen different appointments and I have mid-terms to grade (that have been staring at me in my office for two weeks now. TWO WEEKS!?!?! Holy hell!).
And, I am exhausted. To the core. I start fading at like, 8:30pm (which until just a few days ago, was 9:30pm) because it's dark at friggin' 5:30. My evenings seem to crawl by, and as I try to go to bed early because I'm tired, I get a second wind. So I'm up til midnight watching my free HBO and Cinemax (part of a new cable package---only free for a few more bittersweet weeks) and accomplishing nothing except becoming addicted to strange vampire shows ("True Blood" on HBO) and watching "The Shawshank Redemption" for the 1287th time (without commercials, though!). And, I'm waking up at 6:15am as the sun comes up, even though my room is as dark as a cave and could get 90 more minutes of sleep.....Grrrrrrrr.......
There is absolutely no way that I will get my list done today. To prove that point, I have an hour before I have to leave the house, and instead of knocking off a few mid-terms, I AM BLOGGING.
I will need the Nano in the car today for sure. I'm anxious and jittery. Here are the top five reasons why (in my own rationalizing state of sleep deprivation/appreciation):
1. Today is the election. I live in Buffalo. If I hear one more fucking racist remark that only proves how ignorant the speaker is I'm going to fucking scream. For real. That shit bothers me. For real. It doesn't roll off. I can't shake feeling anxious for the future--not because of the President but because of the intolerance I often see around me (remove the "P" from President and I think I've located the REAL problem in America.....). It stops me in my tracks, and clogs up the gears on this spinning wheel. I can't even explain it I'm so bungled up (maybe a post for another day). Go Obama.
2. I have never researched in an archive before, and certainly not one out of town, paid for by a grant, in the nation's capital THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION. Jesus. How am I going to sleep tonight?
3. My students---I have been frazzled and distracted lately and they can see it. I know I'm only part-time, but I like that job and want to do it well. And I don't think I've been up to par lately.
4. My family and friends. I haven't been keeping up with them either. When I have time to call or chat, I don't (some form of procrastinating, I think?!?!). Sorry guys. This, too, shall pass?
5. Oh, I don't know.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring some clarity as I will run myself ragged today, have absolutely no down time and drop like a sack of potatoes into my bed later (and sleep well).
In the past when I get overwhelmed, I turn to music to even myself out. I will do so today, but I can't even predict what how my fingers will guide my little Nano's song wheel today. It could be "Sundown" by Gordon Lightfoot or "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit. No way to tell.
I am not naive enough to think that when I wake up tomorrow I will feel differently. This shit going on in mi vida loca takes time to work itself out. But, maybe I can feel just a LITTLE differently somehow. Just a teeny tiny bit. For real.
Ok. I think I'll start with Coldplay's "Viva la Vida" and go from there........