A few things I thinking of this morning before I start workin' on the Diss (and i have two hours before a piano student comes....that's my time chunk for now)......
Last night, The Dead played at the HSBC arena. I was torn about buying tickets when they went on sale because I teach a Tuesday night class that only meets once a week. But, jeeze.....The Dead. In the spring. The day before Earth Day. In the sign of the Taurus (which it now is and which I will forever remain.....). How many more nudges did I need? But, alas, I didn't cancel class and use an accrued sick-day (although my students whole-heartedly suggested I do so......nice.....) and instead discussed the 1980s with them. Oddly enough, I was able to work The Grateful Dead into the class in two effortless ways:
1. The rekindling of the GD spirit took the late 80s and a whole new generation of neo-hippies (myself included) by storm in 1987 with the release of In the Dark and the video for "Touch of Gray" in high-rotation on MTV (when they used to play music videos....). So we watched the video via youtube. Good stuff still.
2. I have a concert DVD from the July 4, 1989 Dead show at Rich/Ralph Wilson stadium, and was at that show (see post from 7/17/08, "The Hart of the Matter"). It was the first of my many travels with the Dead. Watching that DVD last night transported me back 20 years into that late-adolescent-just-finished-high-school-and-it's-summer-so-let-the-games-begin kind of vibe. And that feels really good.
So, my students and I got to "see" the Grateful Dead a bit even though I missed the show last night. The review was favorable (but not all that informative....see Buff News online). Hopefully they will tour again....
Oddly enough, I don't listen to the Grateful Dead much anymore. I have a great selection of bootlegs that have accumulated over the years and a ton of their commercial releases, but they seem to have taken on a very very personal role in my musical life. Their music has the perfect spirit for when I'm outside gardening or soon-to-be sitting by the pool and working around the house. And my son! He must get some ear-time with these tunes! But, I play them often in my car on the way to work. In my own space. I don't usually sing along, either. I just listen. And smile. So, maybe I'll start to play that more when I'm outside working rather than listening to the radio (which is getting old...not a great market here in The Buff).
It feels like mid-April has opened up a whole bunch of new things in these parts, and that's the great "gift" of surviving Buffalo winters, me thinks. The renewal of energy, remembering past feelings of inspiration, allowing new ideas to float and stick. Being a Taurus in the time of Taurus is good for me this time of year, too. The fact that my strongest astrological sign occurs when I need it most is never lost on me.....
So, four days of 70+ degree weather headed our way. Peace love and happiness rises again. I'm writing well on the Diss. I'm sleeping well at night and not taking naps. Away go the sweaters this weekend, out come the sandels and sundresses, and out come The Dead into my more public musical domain. Good thing I have great and tolerant neighbors.
Well, the Diss awaits, but it is a calm and serene feeling I have today as I recognize all the swirly goodness around me that penetrates and scatters all the negative news going on (like, really.....tragedy after tragedy, violence and more violence.....yuck. Off goes the news. Click.). I'll soon post a Grateful Dead playlist that will be my soundtrack for the weekend. Or, better yet, help me out suggest some of your own! It takes a village after all....and hopefully we're all wearing tye-dye!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
red, black and blue---yet sunny?
Ugh! I've been making some SERIOUS PROGRESS on my Dissertation these past few weeks. Like, really good stuff. Like, I can see the PhD in sight, that diploma gripped within my insanely tight little fist. But, duuuuuuuude.....my work is a fucking MESS right now. Dear God!
At some point in 2008 (it's in the archives....ok, I'll look. hold on......from 6/17/08, "Seeing Red") I posted about my writing process, that early drafts are in red font, then with revision they go to blue, then with full edit, to black and they are "done" until my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post from March 09) tells me to go back and fix them. Then, the process starts over again. Sounds like fun, yes? Um, no.
In fact, just now as my boyfriend walked past my office and saw me with my head in my hands, he said, "What's wrong, honey?" and my response? "Why didn't I become a gardner?!?!? How did any of you allow me to think that GRAD SCHOOL was a GOOD IDEA!?!?!?!?"
Good stuff. And true to boot. ANYWAY, now that I have all my organizational ducks in a row, I'm piecing together these chapters from my writing strewn all over creation (well, ok...my office). And, it is a multi-colored tye-dye swirl of little letters twinkling on screen before me. *sigh*.
I have time, though. My classes at Fredonia are in the homestretch, and as I've reported in the past (check December 08), I shift the burden of the end of the semester onto my students (cuz that's the type o' Professor I am....ha ha). So, my workload for teaching is lowered. My son is done with vacation and back at school. This weekend will be awesome weather-wise so I am less tempted to go work in the garden, blast tunes and drink beers right now (notice "less tempted" not "fully denying the urge"....must....be...careful). So, yes, yes, this will all come together.
The lesson I am learning right now (jesus i just typed "write now"....get me out of this Chair!) is another one that I am sure someone told me many times before which I heard but didn't really believe so then I didn't listen until it came ringing back right now: Find a spot to be comfortable to stop and move forward or you will continue to rewrite and rewrite and never finish. This means that I am just going to keep writing in red.....plowing through material, cutting and pasting and NOT going back to revise to blue until I reach page 20 of this chapter (The Intro). THEN I will go back. Progress implies a forward motion, not a spinning-of-the-wheels, yes?
So, onward in red even though that makes me feel like I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. I mean, I do, but it's based on work that has already been done. I'm putting the pieces together.....at least I don't have to go find the pieces, I already have them. And they are going together well (right? please say "yes"). Yes they are.
Ok. Back to work.
At some point in 2008 (it's in the archives....ok, I'll look. hold on......from 6/17/08, "Seeing Red") I posted about my writing process, that early drafts are in red font, then with revision they go to blue, then with full edit, to black and they are "done" until my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post from March 09) tells me to go back and fix them. Then, the process starts over again. Sounds like fun, yes? Um, no.
In fact, just now as my boyfriend walked past my office and saw me with my head in my hands, he said, "What's wrong, honey?" and my response? "Why didn't I become a gardner?!?!? How did any of you allow me to think that GRAD SCHOOL was a GOOD IDEA!?!?!?!?"
Good stuff. And true to boot. ANYWAY, now that I have all my organizational ducks in a row, I'm piecing together these chapters from my writing strewn all over creation (well, ok...my office). And, it is a multi-colored tye-dye swirl of little letters twinkling on screen before me. *sigh*.
I have time, though. My classes at Fredonia are in the homestretch, and as I've reported in the past (check December 08), I shift the burden of the end of the semester onto my students (cuz that's the type o' Professor I am....ha ha). So, my workload for teaching is lowered. My son is done with vacation and back at school. This weekend will be awesome weather-wise so I am less tempted to go work in the garden, blast tunes and drink beers right now (notice "less tempted" not "fully denying the urge"....must....be...careful). So, yes, yes, this will all come together.
The lesson I am learning right now (jesus i just typed "write now"....get me out of this Chair!) is another one that I am sure someone told me many times before which I heard but didn't really believe so then I didn't listen until it came ringing back right now: Find a spot to be comfortable to stop and move forward or you will continue to rewrite and rewrite and never finish. This means that I am just going to keep writing in red.....plowing through material, cutting and pasting and NOT going back to revise to blue until I reach page 20 of this chapter (The Intro). THEN I will go back. Progress implies a forward motion, not a spinning-of-the-wheels, yes?
So, onward in red even though that makes me feel like I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. I mean, I do, but it's based on work that has already been done. I'm putting the pieces together.....at least I don't have to go find the pieces, I already have them. And they are going together well (right? please say "yes"). Yes they are.
Ok. Back to work.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
ahhhhh, Brahms....
Tonight I wrap up teaching the Romantic era to my large Mus Apprec class. Large meaning 115 students spanning all years of college levels, freshman to seniors. I've written about this class before, and plowing through 1500 years of Western music history is a strange teaching gig. There are many cool things about it, though. For instance:
--I am reminded how much this crazy shit fascinates me as I teach it. Without "having" to go through this material--especially the Medieval/Renaissance and Baroque eras--I wouldn't be working with it much because I prefer music from the mid-18th century through today. But, in essence, I love it all. I really do.
--I am reminded how much I really like teaching. I refer to the character of this class as "herding cats," meaning that I am constantly trying to focus these 115 wandering minds on the material. So, I'm sort of performing in a way....more theatrical, more dramatic, louder (it's a big room), sort of on the spot and constantly being kept on my toes. But, I like that. It energizes me.
--I don't get to talk much about the United States until the "modern" period (20th-century), but find that on my way home (45 min. drive), I think about the concurrent events that were occurring in our country in tandem with those of Europe. Interesting stuff (to me).
--I think that even though there are many students in this class who don't give a hearty hoot about this material and are taking it for the Core Credit requirement, I KNOW that there are those who do like this material. I can only hope that they have good vibes about this class. And, I get to teach it next semester, too.
--I am reminded how importantly I view music in the world. I think I actually understand the world THROUGH music. And, being reminded of that makes me want to burst into tears with gratitude to my parents and friends and teachers over the years who recognized that I "get it" and helped and supported me.
--There is so much music to cover that much DOESN'T get covered. But, the ones that we discuss, analyze and listen to more closely are some of my favorites. And tonight, BRAHMS. *Sigh*. He breaks my heart every time.
Right now, I am listening to the second movement, the Adagio, of his first piano concerto and I feel so peaceful or something. If you don't know this piece, you will have to take my word for it.....but it DOES SOMETHING to me. It settles me down. And much of Brahms music does this. I hope everyone has a person or artist or something in the way that I "have" Brahms. It's like, when I listen to his music--and this goes for almost ALL OF IT!--the world seems to crack open a bit and beauty, humility, and gentleness flow slowly out of that crack and directly into my body.
Brahms's style has been debated over and over in musicology. So has his personality. He was a Taurus, ya know, like myself. He lived and composed during the Romantic era, but did not indulge in the style of writing "program" music, meaning compositions whose music reflected or told a story or followed a plot. His is "absolute" music....a piano concerto is just that. A bunch of sounds that don't necessarily MEAN anything. But, holy shit....THEY DO! They mean a lot.
I can't keep going on and on about this cuz I do have other things to attend to today, but I find music that ISN'T supposed to "do" anything--like reflect a plot or story--and just "is" ends up being much more profound for me. Brahms gets meaning in his music somehow, and music philosophy/theory continues to debate just how our lil' brains process any of it and make sense of it at all. I certainly don't have those answers, but I can feel it when it happens. Right into my bones.
In this piano concerto, for example, within the first two minutes--as the orchestra begins the slow and luscious theme and then the piano enters--I can FEEL some kind of meaning. Brahms and I begin communicating. I don't always even know how to translate those feelings into words, but I am in a dialog with Brahms through this piano concerto. I am certain of that. I don't know the "meaning" behind this breathtaking piece of music and I don't know what he was thinking while he wrote it. And, I don't even know what he and I are actually communicating at all. (AND, now I'm even confusing myself by trying to communicate this to you!!! ha ha).
Oh, I don't know. I can spout all kinds of facts and musical razzle-dazzle, but here I sit, happy and warm, listening to Brahms, and I can't speak coherently about it.
Maybe that's the point. There are no words, really, that can describe what is going on in this comforting swirl of sounds that collapses historical time--Brahms's time over 130 years ago in Vienna and Judy time here in The Buff--when this music plays. But, it is my job this evening to introduce Brahms to my students. Maybe after a little biography on him, I'll just let the music play. And say nothing. Just let it be, so to say....
I'm stopping now. I'm going to start this piece over and just listen quietly. Maybe twice.....
--I am reminded how much this crazy shit fascinates me as I teach it. Without "having" to go through this material--especially the Medieval/Renaissance and Baroque eras--I wouldn't be working with it much because I prefer music from the mid-18th century through today. But, in essence, I love it all. I really do.
--I am reminded how much I really like teaching. I refer to the character of this class as "herding cats," meaning that I am constantly trying to focus these 115 wandering minds on the material. So, I'm sort of performing in a way....more theatrical, more dramatic, louder (it's a big room), sort of on the spot and constantly being kept on my toes. But, I like that. It energizes me.
--I don't get to talk much about the United States until the "modern" period (20th-century), but find that on my way home (45 min. drive), I think about the concurrent events that were occurring in our country in tandem with those of Europe. Interesting stuff (to me).
--I think that even though there are many students in this class who don't give a hearty hoot about this material and are taking it for the Core Credit requirement, I KNOW that there are those who do like this material. I can only hope that they have good vibes about this class. And, I get to teach it next semester, too.
--I am reminded how importantly I view music in the world. I think I actually understand the world THROUGH music. And, being reminded of that makes me want to burst into tears with gratitude to my parents and friends and teachers over the years who recognized that I "get it" and helped and supported me.
--There is so much music to cover that much DOESN'T get covered. But, the ones that we discuss, analyze and listen to more closely are some of my favorites. And tonight, BRAHMS. *Sigh*. He breaks my heart every time.
Right now, I am listening to the second movement, the Adagio, of his first piano concerto and I feel so peaceful or something. If you don't know this piece, you will have to take my word for it.....but it DOES SOMETHING to me. It settles me down. And much of Brahms music does this. I hope everyone has a person or artist or something in the way that I "have" Brahms. It's like, when I listen to his music--and this goes for almost ALL OF IT!--the world seems to crack open a bit and beauty, humility, and gentleness flow slowly out of that crack and directly into my body.
Brahms's style has been debated over and over in musicology. So has his personality. He was a Taurus, ya know, like myself. He lived and composed during the Romantic era, but did not indulge in the style of writing "program" music, meaning compositions whose music reflected or told a story or followed a plot. His is "absolute" music....a piano concerto is just that. A bunch of sounds that don't necessarily MEAN anything. But, holy shit....THEY DO! They mean a lot.
I can't keep going on and on about this cuz I do have other things to attend to today, but I find music that ISN'T supposed to "do" anything--like reflect a plot or story--and just "is" ends up being much more profound for me. Brahms gets meaning in his music somehow, and music philosophy/theory continues to debate just how our lil' brains process any of it and make sense of it at all. I certainly don't have those answers, but I can feel it when it happens. Right into my bones.
In this piano concerto, for example, within the first two minutes--as the orchestra begins the slow and luscious theme and then the piano enters--I can FEEL some kind of meaning. Brahms and I begin communicating. I don't always even know how to translate those feelings into words, but I am in a dialog with Brahms through this piano concerto. I am certain of that. I don't know the "meaning" behind this breathtaking piece of music and I don't know what he was thinking while he wrote it. And, I don't even know what he and I are actually communicating at all. (AND, now I'm even confusing myself by trying to communicate this to you!!! ha ha).
Oh, I don't know. I can spout all kinds of facts and musical razzle-dazzle, but here I sit, happy and warm, listening to Brahms, and I can't speak coherently about it.
Maybe that's the point. There are no words, really, that can describe what is going on in this comforting swirl of sounds that collapses historical time--Brahms's time over 130 years ago in Vienna and Judy time here in The Buff--when this music plays. But, it is my job this evening to introduce Brahms to my students. Maybe after a little biography on him, I'll just let the music play. And say nothing. Just let it be, so to say....
I'm stopping now. I'm going to start this piece over and just listen quietly. Maybe twice.....
Thursday, April 2, 2009
"springing" toward a finished chapter....
Couldn't resist using some sort of weather-related metaphor for today. We are gonna have a BEAUTIFUL day here in the Buff and I have scheduled NO TIME to really enjoy it. Until 3:30pm, that is, when my son comes home and we shoot hoops in the driveway or play catch or something until I leave for work. I do hope to open a window or two and recycle the air in my house though. These things need to be done. Yesterday was the first day of April and with it came a little rain. "April showers bring May flowers." Music to my ears, for real.
So the past two weeks have felt like I was living in 5th gear, flying down the highway with the cruise control set at 85 while I used my free hand and feet to seriously multi-task. Between going to Denver for SAM (which was great) and completely revising my Univ Buffalo paper and giving it last Saturday (which was great for me and I hope those who heard it liked it), only today do I feel like things have settled down. Phew.
My "new" Diss feels so good to me right now. I spent parts of Monday and Tuesday creating an entirely new folder of Diss material on my computer (my files and info were a MESS....a true sign for me that things had gotten way out of hand), complete with a page of outline notes for each chapter. Then I created real files--like ones you can actually touch and put things in with your hands) on the floor of my office and sorted all the research docs and copies I have (those were a mess, too....it was timely in many many ways that my revision breakthrough came when it did, me thinks), and TAH-DAH! I have five chapters of material and I know how to complete them. Holy canoli, Batman.
The intro will always be this nebulous gooey combination of written words that will be the last chapter to put to bed. But, the outline is very helpful because it keeps me focused in a very precise and efficient way. I don't have to read through pages of text to know what I'm supposed to be talking about. I just look at the outline and see the logic (well, of course, that's relative 'cuz it's MY logic....so, I may be the only one who sees it, but AT LEAST I CAN SEE IT, yes?) and relate it to the other chapters.
After giving my paper at UB, I spent another chunk of Tuesday editing it into a reader-friendly paper (verses a speaker-friendly paper) so I could send it to my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post for the origin of her new moniker). I had to do this because when I read a conference paper outloud, I read it (I think) based on how I talk naturally with a bit more professionalism to my voice. But, as I write that conference paper, I do things like I do here in the ol' M(MotT) to remind myself to EMPHASIZE words or stress a certain phrase, like capitals, bolds, italics. So my paper looks very goofy, but I can read it very well. So, I smoothed it out for my adWISER and sent it off to her, which felt good. Haven't heard back, but feel hopeful. She's a busy lady after all......
Anyway, my task for today involves Diss stuff and other stuff. My sleepy son is waking up as I type this. When he leaves in about 45-minutes--and before he returns seven hours later--I have to grade 115 quizzes for my class tonight and assemble my bag for work to include all the stuff I need for a class of that magnitude (we are in the Romantic era....yahoo!!!). That takes awhile, but since I wrote the quiz and have taught this class many times, I constructed the quiz for maximum assessment value AND minimum grading fatigue (I'm sure any math readers could find a fun equation there: MAV + MGF==MJT (more Judy-time)). But grading isn't the only issue.....entering the grades is a science of its own. I have to organize the quizzes alphetically as I grade them in order to enter the grades before a new millenium dawns. So, that's my system. And it sucks doing it. But, that has to get done. Time deadline on that one.
What I'm really eager to do is re-read the 42 pages written for the Diss that were originally the first-half of Chapter 2 and have no become---TAH-DAH--all of Chapter 2. The details of that chapter are pretty much there (professional music making in Buffalo, 1804--1860). The missing links are ideology and comparitive scholarship, like what is all "means" and what work from other, more knowledgable and tenured scholars can corroborate or differentiate my own work. I like doing that, too. So I'm going to start inserting this other "stuff" today. And I have ideas of what that will be!!!! It's like putting the last pieces of a puzzle together. Filling in the holes. Watching the complete image emerge. And oddly enough, I love puzzles.....
ANYWAY, those are the things I need and want to do today. Tomorrow is shot. My son has a half-day of school, I need to go grocery shopping and to the gym=no writing tomorrow. Judy Day. Things that I don't need but want to do today include using the 12 green Miller Chill bottles in my garage to start some spider-plant seedlings (green bottles work better for rooting cuttings, IMHO), laundry, working on my garden, cleaning out my flower beds, and searching through landscaping websites for ideas (my backyard is now carte-blanche since the trees came down). So, I'm in trouble.
But, I'm in The Chair and will fight to stay here in order to complete the two major tasks of the day. And I will do that.
Another sign that I'm in the homestretch.....I put my book "How to Write a Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day" on sale at Amazon on Tuesday. Someone bought it last night. It's already packed and ready to go (ooops, gotta stop at the post office on the way to work today....). I included a little note on the invoice slip to the buyer of this book. It says, "Thanks for buying. Good luck!!!" And I truly mean it. He's gonna need it.....
Spring has sprung!
So the past two weeks have felt like I was living in 5th gear, flying down the highway with the cruise control set at 85 while I used my free hand and feet to seriously multi-task. Between going to Denver for SAM (which was great) and completely revising my Univ Buffalo paper and giving it last Saturday (which was great for me and I hope those who heard it liked it), only today do I feel like things have settled down. Phew.
My "new" Diss feels so good to me right now. I spent parts of Monday and Tuesday creating an entirely new folder of Diss material on my computer (my files and info were a MESS....a true sign for me that things had gotten way out of hand), complete with a page of outline notes for each chapter. Then I created real files--like ones you can actually touch and put things in with your hands) on the floor of my office and sorted all the research docs and copies I have (those were a mess, too....it was timely in many many ways that my revision breakthrough came when it did, me thinks), and TAH-DAH! I have five chapters of material and I know how to complete them. Holy canoli, Batman.
The intro will always be this nebulous gooey combination of written words that will be the last chapter to put to bed. But, the outline is very helpful because it keeps me focused in a very precise and efficient way. I don't have to read through pages of text to know what I'm supposed to be talking about. I just look at the outline and see the logic (well, of course, that's relative 'cuz it's MY logic....so, I may be the only one who sees it, but AT LEAST I CAN SEE IT, yes?) and relate it to the other chapters.
After giving my paper at UB, I spent another chunk of Tuesday editing it into a reader-friendly paper (verses a speaker-friendly paper) so I could send it to my adWISER (see "Diss Redux" post for the origin of her new moniker). I had to do this because when I read a conference paper outloud, I read it (I think) based on how I talk naturally with a bit more professionalism to my voice. But, as I write that conference paper, I do things like I do here in the ol' M(MotT) to remind myself to EMPHASIZE words or stress a certain phrase, like capitals, bolds, italics. So my paper looks very goofy, but I can read it very well. So, I smoothed it out for my adWISER and sent it off to her, which felt good. Haven't heard back, but feel hopeful. She's a busy lady after all......
Anyway, my task for today involves Diss stuff and other stuff. My sleepy son is waking up as I type this. When he leaves in about 45-minutes--and before he returns seven hours later--I have to grade 115 quizzes for my class tonight and assemble my bag for work to include all the stuff I need for a class of that magnitude (we are in the Romantic era....yahoo!!!). That takes awhile, but since I wrote the quiz and have taught this class many times, I constructed the quiz for maximum assessment value AND minimum grading fatigue (I'm sure any math readers could find a fun equation there: MAV + MGF==MJT (more Judy-time)). But grading isn't the only issue.....entering the grades is a science of its own. I have to organize the quizzes alphetically as I grade them in order to enter the grades before a new millenium dawns. So, that's my system. And it sucks doing it. But, that has to get done. Time deadline on that one.
What I'm really eager to do is re-read the 42 pages written for the Diss that were originally the first-half of Chapter 2 and have no become---TAH-DAH--all of Chapter 2. The details of that chapter are pretty much there (professional music making in Buffalo, 1804--1860). The missing links are ideology and comparitive scholarship, like what is all "means" and what work from other, more knowledgable and tenured scholars can corroborate or differentiate my own work. I like doing that, too. So I'm going to start inserting this other "stuff" today. And I have ideas of what that will be!!!! It's like putting the last pieces of a puzzle together. Filling in the holes. Watching the complete image emerge. And oddly enough, I love puzzles.....
ANYWAY, those are the things I need and want to do today. Tomorrow is shot. My son has a half-day of school, I need to go grocery shopping and to the gym=no writing tomorrow. Judy Day. Things that I don't need but want to do today include using the 12 green Miller Chill bottles in my garage to start some spider-plant seedlings (green bottles work better for rooting cuttings, IMHO), laundry, working on my garden, cleaning out my flower beds, and searching through landscaping websites for ideas (my backyard is now carte-blanche since the trees came down). So, I'm in trouble.
But, I'm in The Chair and will fight to stay here in order to complete the two major tasks of the day. And I will do that.
Another sign that I'm in the homestretch.....I put my book "How to Write a Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day" on sale at Amazon on Tuesday. Someone bought it last night. It's already packed and ready to go (ooops, gotta stop at the post office on the way to work today....). I included a little note on the invoice slip to the buyer of this book. It says, "Thanks for buying. Good luck!!!" And I truly mean it. He's gonna need it.....
Spring has sprung!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
"...see some old friends, good for the soul..."
I have quoted lyrics before as a nifty way of leading into my posts. Never before, however, has Bob Seger made his way on board. Might as well say hello to the Silver Bullet Band, as well. Welcome, dudes.
Anyway, I didn't go to Katmandu last week, but I did go to Denver for the Society for American Music conference. And, as I always try to multi-task, I saw a bunch of all friends from my days as a Denverite, some friends from The Buff that live in CO now, and some cool musicologists.
I'm still trying to finish this paper I'm presenting at the University of Buffalo conference THIS SATURDAY (gulp. It's not done. But it will be. Yes. Yes.), so I'll just summarize a few thoughts and head back to the Microsoft Word docs lurking beneath this browser window.
--The weather was amazing, and I am a big fan of and highly sensitive to weather conditions. While I see progress in Buffalo regarding spring-ness, Denver had it all going on. Mid-60s to high 70s, cloudless skies, no rain (which for me was fine until my throat was so dry I could barely speak), and so on. So, good vibes from Mother Nature (note: I just hope that no random passerby driving through the surrounding areas of Denver decides to throw a cigarette butt out of the car and onto the parched landscape. As a Denver native put it, "Oh, it's so dry here. One spark, no doubt about it, we're all gonna BURN!!!!")
--The SAM conference was great. Really great. Such a cool crowd of people. And, I saw several really good papers...one about Motown in England, one about working class Irish/black workers along waterways in the Midwest/Buffalo region (including the Erie Canal!!) and the development of minstrelsy (using art works as examples as well...way cool), one about hip hop in Berlin and all sorts of big and complex issues of race, identity, ownership, territory, space (again, way cool), one about Gershwin's biographer and the implications of communication, expectation and personal investment.....good stuff.
--The SAm conference was great, part 2. I was able to see friends of mine that WERE graduate students have recently become full-on PhDs. This gives me great hope. For real. When I hit the conference circuit back in 2002 in search of a good PhD program in musicology, I met some TREMENDOUS grad students around the country that I feel priviledged to still connect with. Many have kids now (or even did then) and I find myself as one of many Momertators (and Dadertators) trying to sort out the messiness of creating the "whole life"--work, research, poverty (academic-style), and family. Ahhhhhhh. It was very healthy. I have faith.
--The SAM conference was great, part 3. The hotel bar (yes, usually cheesy, but with a captive audience, they couldn't fail) displayed continuous college basketball while providing cheap and refreshing beverages and an all-day NCAA happy hour. My heart feels warm and fuzzy just thinking about it (oh, I'm second-to-last in my bracket pool. Of almost 200 people. *Sigh* Yes, I'll stick to academia).
--Two amazing friends from Buffalo now live near Denver. On Saturday, after two days of conferencing, I met up with them for the day. This may have been the best way to end such a trip because it just made everything seem like it came back around again, like a big loop of my life not feeling so fragile and breakable anymore. Thanks Molly (and Shawn) and Tommy. I have faith.
--We can call it a recession, but there was little evidence of this in Denver. Molly and I strolled the streets of downtown on Sunday only to find no parking and every bar/restaurant PACKED with people. Again, very refreshing (compared to how winter/spring behaves in The Buff) and again, I have faith.
I will finish this degree and my goal is to do so in time for the next SAM conference in Ottawa (OTTAWA!?!?! What the holy hell? Well, at least I can drive there.....). This way, it would be my last conference as a student. For real and forever. "...there I go, turn the page...."
OK---Back to work. And that feels REALLY good to say.
Anyway, I didn't go to Katmandu last week, but I did go to Denver for the Society for American Music conference. And, as I always try to multi-task, I saw a bunch of all friends from my days as a Denverite, some friends from The Buff that live in CO now, and some cool musicologists.
I'm still trying to finish this paper I'm presenting at the University of Buffalo conference THIS SATURDAY (gulp. It's not done. But it will be. Yes. Yes.), so I'll just summarize a few thoughts and head back to the Microsoft Word docs lurking beneath this browser window.
--The weather was amazing, and I am a big fan of and highly sensitive to weather conditions. While I see progress in Buffalo regarding spring-ness, Denver had it all going on. Mid-60s to high 70s, cloudless skies, no rain (which for me was fine until my throat was so dry I could barely speak), and so on. So, good vibes from Mother Nature (note: I just hope that no random passerby driving through the surrounding areas of Denver decides to throw a cigarette butt out of the car and onto the parched landscape. As a Denver native put it, "Oh, it's so dry here. One spark, no doubt about it, we're all gonna BURN!!!!")
--The SAM conference was great. Really great. Such a cool crowd of people. And, I saw several really good papers...one about Motown in England, one about working class Irish/black workers along waterways in the Midwest/Buffalo region (including the Erie Canal!!) and the development of minstrelsy (using art works as examples as well...way cool), one about hip hop in Berlin and all sorts of big and complex issues of race, identity, ownership, territory, space (again, way cool), one about Gershwin's biographer and the implications of communication, expectation and personal investment.....good stuff.
--The SAm conference was great, part 2. I was able to see friends of mine that WERE graduate students have recently become full-on PhDs. This gives me great hope. For real. When I hit the conference circuit back in 2002 in search of a good PhD program in musicology, I met some TREMENDOUS grad students around the country that I feel priviledged to still connect with. Many have kids now (or even did then) and I find myself as one of many Momertators (and Dadertators) trying to sort out the messiness of creating the "whole life"--work, research, poverty (academic-style), and family. Ahhhhhhh. It was very healthy. I have faith.
--The SAM conference was great, part 3. The hotel bar (yes, usually cheesy, but with a captive audience, they couldn't fail) displayed continuous college basketball while providing cheap and refreshing beverages and an all-day NCAA happy hour. My heart feels warm and fuzzy just thinking about it (oh, I'm second-to-last in my bracket pool. Of almost 200 people. *Sigh* Yes, I'll stick to academia).
--Two amazing friends from Buffalo now live near Denver. On Saturday, after two days of conferencing, I met up with them for the day. This may have been the best way to end such a trip because it just made everything seem like it came back around again, like a big loop of my life not feeling so fragile and breakable anymore. Thanks Molly (and Shawn) and Tommy. I have faith.
--We can call it a recession, but there was little evidence of this in Denver. Molly and I strolled the streets of downtown on Sunday only to find no parking and every bar/restaurant PACKED with people. Again, very refreshing (compared to how winter/spring behaves in The Buff) and again, I have faith.
I will finish this degree and my goal is to do so in time for the next SAM conference in Ottawa (OTTAWA!?!?! What the holy hell? Well, at least I can drive there.....). This way, it would be my last conference as a student. For real and forever. "...there I go, turn the page...."
OK---Back to work. And that feels REALLY good to say.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Baby Steps
After my rather over-blown yet somewhat cathartic Dissertation experience last week (see previous post), I gathered my wits and set down some guidelines. Two things drive my latest task: I leave for the Society for American Music conference in Denver one week from today; I present a paper on my Diss research at the University of Buffalo Grad Student Conference 17 days from today. Neither of these things, incidentally, am I overly prepared for.
The current task is writing a 10-page paper that will take about 20 minutes to read at the UB conference. I think I'll have a hand-out as well (no idea how many to anticipate in the audience....note to self: find out). The topic is "The BPO Gets a New Deal" (BPO=Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra). When I sent in the proposal, this topic was a smaller version of one chapter of my Diss. Since the whole revision and whatnot, this topic IS my Diss. Hmm.
Now that my Diss seems reasonably reasonable (love THAT grammar?!?!) in that I have a plan that doesn't make my stomach burn, I feel good about it. Part of my self-analysis from last week came as a result of having to get this smaller paper together. I REALLY like this topic now. Ten pages should be nothing.
Hummpph. Sure. But, where to begin? Such a small about of info for this particular task compared to what I have for the whole Diss. It's like a summary of all of my work, but I want it to be good and interesting and generate some Q & A afterwards.....the usual. AND, it has to have some sort of conclusion which I HAVEN'T gotten to in my Diss. So, this will be taking up all of my time until I leave for Denver in ONE WEEK. Plus other goodies always rolling around these parts that eat away at precious minutes with the verve and tenacity of a soon-to-be caterpillar run amok in my soon-be-blooming garden. These things happen, don't they....
But, this task DOES seem manageable and I am starting it right now. I'll keep ya posted. And, if anyone is interested in attending the paper, I'll post the schedule when it becomes available.
Little things. Baby steps. Small tasks even if they seem large. 10 pages. Got it.
The current task is writing a 10-page paper that will take about 20 minutes to read at the UB conference. I think I'll have a hand-out as well (no idea how many to anticipate in the audience....note to self: find out). The topic is "The BPO Gets a New Deal" (BPO=Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra). When I sent in the proposal, this topic was a smaller version of one chapter of my Diss. Since the whole revision and whatnot, this topic IS my Diss. Hmm.
Now that my Diss seems reasonably reasonable (love THAT grammar?!?!) in that I have a plan that doesn't make my stomach burn, I feel good about it. Part of my self-analysis from last week came as a result of having to get this smaller paper together. I REALLY like this topic now. Ten pages should be nothing.
Hummpph. Sure. But, where to begin? Such a small about of info for this particular task compared to what I have for the whole Diss. It's like a summary of all of my work, but I want it to be good and interesting and generate some Q & A afterwards.....the usual. AND, it has to have some sort of conclusion which I HAVEN'T gotten to in my Diss. So, this will be taking up all of my time until I leave for Denver in ONE WEEK. Plus other goodies always rolling around these parts that eat away at precious minutes with the verve and tenacity of a soon-to-be caterpillar run amok in my soon-be-blooming garden. These things happen, don't they....
But, this task DOES seem manageable and I am starting it right now. I'll keep ya posted. And, if anyone is interested in attending the paper, I'll post the schedule when it becomes available.
Little things. Baby steps. Small tasks even if they seem large. 10 pages. Got it.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Dissertation Redux
This is a long one. Please bear with me....
Welllllllllll, it's been a wild and woolly month in The Chair (see post 7/10/08). I don't remember last winter being so difficult. While the seasons come as predicted each year, the various components of my life always change. So, while EVERY winter in The Buff sucks--the luster of snow and coziness and hunkering down diminishes exponentially through Jan and Feb--this one seems outrageously unbearable. And, I haven't been on my game enough to confront and conquer the antsy-ness, the boredom, the darkness (sunshine-wise), the chill in the air....and these elements seep and crawl into many many many others, at least for me.
I haven't progressed on my Dissertation in any fashion that accounts for how much time I have to work on it. For real. It's a writing project that is different than any other I've undertaken, including my Masters theses (I wrote two). I have many ideas of "books" that I want to write OTHER THAN this one. In a sense, that's what this Diss is, a research-based, academically appropriate 250-page tome that reflects my graduate education in musicology. But I have to get this one done before I gently lift the lid to the Idea Box (see post 2/11/09) and REALLY get going on some good stuff. A Diss is a Diss. It's not fun, but it has to get done.
It's not to say that my Diss won't be good. I think it will, actually, and for the most part I've had faith in myself to make it of good quality, reflective of my character, and a valid contribution to the field of musicology. And sometimes, it has been fun. I like writing. Thinking.
Problem: about two months ago, I lost all interest in it. Actually, I lost interest in A LOT of things. Simultaneously, I could feel something brewing that gave me anxiety---I began thinking and feeling that I was not going to be able to finish The Diss. Like, actually incapable. I couldn't grasp the point of it. It/I had lost focus, had lost interest, had lost that flash of ambition that (in my mind) screams, "hell, yeah. Let's do this." Gone, lost, but not forgotten. Sitting there, in my office filled with books and notes and deadlines. Until this Diss is finished, I have to pay tuition every semester AND I'm in an academic holding pattern--not really hirable at the tenure-track level, destined to remain in Limbo Land hustling part-time goofy jobs, eeking out a living like I have been FOREVER, never getting it done. Quitting. Failing.
So I sat on these feelings for awhile, not really letting on to people around me what was happening, faking it:
"Things are good!" (lie)
"Oh, still workin' on it. Making progress, though."(bigger lie).
"I love having the time at home to write." (biggest lie)
"Everything's great! Just a little tired, that's all." (goin' straight to hell for that one).
It was noticeable, however, but I would just sigh and glibly utter, "Can't wait til spring!" (truth that hides the lies). blah blah blah.
When I was younger, I wouldn't have sat on this kind of uncomfortable, awful, edgy, embarrassed, discombobulated kind of existence for very long, or at least as long as I have so far. I would have said, "well, insert quick and final decision here and that's that." I have had to learn patience---yes, my friends reading this are nodding, yes----and it don't come easy to this lil' Taurus Bull. Instead of snapping my fingers, jutting out my hip (with one hand on) and swaggering toward some "new" plan that was quick and easy, I have--since mid-January--been watching myself, listening to myself, watching the world, listening to the world. And waiting. Waiting.
It's been excruciating.
But, then....something changed...perhaps, along with the sunshine last week. And the Beethoven (see post 2/26/09). And my son's continuous hugs and hopes and dreams. And my mother's unflagging support. And whatever the fuck else. A crack formed in all of this, a crack with some light beyond it. The anxiety began to wither away. I slept better, and not during the day (napping became a regular activity around here). My brain started to focus better. An idea. I had one!
I approached my Dissertation adviser with this "idea" that suddenly HIT me. Like a real hit. I could feel it mentally and physically. It had a voice. IT WOKE ME OUT OF A SOUND SLEEP (which is like waking the dead). And idea. I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it. It found me, and I heard it.
An aside: there is no "How to Write a Dissertation" manual. Authors have made money selling books with such titles, and while I've actually read them, there is no accounting for each individual's Dissertation process. Period. I've already sold back many of those books.
Anyway, I should really call my Dissertation adviser my adWISEr. She is no joke. She has told me from DAY ONE that this process has no rules (except for getting it done). That I have to know myself better than I ever have (which, of COURSE, I thought I already did). That there will be many lessons learned and unexpected hurdles to leap. There is no mold. No path to take. I have to do it on my terms.
When I told her of my recently-formulated new idea (I called her after writing down my thoughts in a prepared speech-like thing so I could actually make sense....and slamming two beers....see? I do know myself!!!), her comment was, "Congratulations. You did it. You crossed that barrier and you needed to. I could have told you what needed to be fixed, but that wouldn't have been any fun, would it?" I had feared for the worst, of being told I was really destined to simply not be able to do this after all, that I might as well throw in the towel because this idea could never work as a PhD Dissertation in Musicology.
Not in a long time have a felt the simultaneous need to cry, vomit, and belly-laugh as I did after our conversation.
The Idea (in a nutshell):
--my ORIGINAL Diss proposal contains the evidence needed to support a book about three of Buffalo's predominant music cultures as they negotiated the Great Depression and New Deal programs. They are: the symphonic culture (mainly the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra), the Polish community and issues of assimilation/heritage and "Americanization," and the jazz community and issues of travel, cultural space, racism and class. The title is "Performing the Nation: Music Cultures in Buffalo, New York, 1925-1940." This proposal contains grand theories and sweeping ideologies that meld music performance, economics and cultural geography. Five chapters. 300 pages. This is HUGE project working with archival materials, various libraries, people, .....I mean, just huge. The most and best work has been on the BPO chapter and the "Brief History of Music in Buffalo, 1804--1925" chapter. So, still A LOT of work ahead.
--my REVISED Diss proposal contains the evidence needed to support a book about how the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra wrestled its way through the Great Depression and New Deal and emerged successfully (and remains today). The REVISED title is, "Performing the Nation: The Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra Gets a New Deal." This proposal contains good theories and relevant ideologies that meld music performance, politics, economics, and cultural geography. Five chapters. 200 pages. This is a NARROW project that provides a lens (the BPO) with which to view and blend other passions and interests of mine: archival materials (already secured from the National Archives last November), economics, the Great Depression, cultural theory, and the idiosyncracies of Buffalo's musical past. A specific focus that I AM EXCITED ABOUT. With all of these changes, my Diss is half done. I could finish it this summer. For real.
This may not sound as dramatic of a lesson-learned as I made it out to be. But, it NEVER OCCURRED to me to lop off huge portions of my proposed idea. I mean, I committed to that topic. I had to do it, right?
Nope. The "Judy's Manual for Writing a PhD Dissertation" now contains a valuable lesson that my adWISEr forced me to learn on my own, as painful as it was: stop and listen. Never be afraid of change. Be patient. Never feel like change is a failure of the present. Be passionate. Don't compromise.
The REVISED Diss makes me very happy. Finally.
And, the sun is out.
Welllllllllll, it's been a wild and woolly month in The Chair (see post 7/10/08). I don't remember last winter being so difficult. While the seasons come as predicted each year, the various components of my life always change. So, while EVERY winter in The Buff sucks--the luster of snow and coziness and hunkering down diminishes exponentially through Jan and Feb--this one seems outrageously unbearable. And, I haven't been on my game enough to confront and conquer the antsy-ness, the boredom, the darkness (sunshine-wise), the chill in the air....and these elements seep and crawl into many many many others, at least for me.
I haven't progressed on my Dissertation in any fashion that accounts for how much time I have to work on it. For real. It's a writing project that is different than any other I've undertaken, including my Masters theses (I wrote two). I have many ideas of "books" that I want to write OTHER THAN this one. In a sense, that's what this Diss is, a research-based, academically appropriate 250-page tome that reflects my graduate education in musicology. But I have to get this one done before I gently lift the lid to the Idea Box (see post 2/11/09) and REALLY get going on some good stuff. A Diss is a Diss. It's not fun, but it has to get done.
It's not to say that my Diss won't be good. I think it will, actually, and for the most part I've had faith in myself to make it of good quality, reflective of my character, and a valid contribution to the field of musicology. And sometimes, it has been fun. I like writing. Thinking.
Problem: about two months ago, I lost all interest in it. Actually, I lost interest in A LOT of things. Simultaneously, I could feel something brewing that gave me anxiety---I began thinking and feeling that I was not going to be able to finish The Diss. Like, actually incapable. I couldn't grasp the point of it. It/I had lost focus, had lost interest, had lost that flash of ambition that (in my mind) screams, "hell, yeah. Let's do this." Gone, lost, but not forgotten. Sitting there, in my office filled with books and notes and deadlines. Until this Diss is finished, I have to pay tuition every semester AND I'm in an academic holding pattern--not really hirable at the tenure-track level, destined to remain in Limbo Land hustling part-time goofy jobs, eeking out a living like I have been FOREVER, never getting it done. Quitting. Failing.
So I sat on these feelings for awhile, not really letting on to people around me what was happening, faking it:
"Things are good!" (lie)
"Oh, still workin' on it. Making progress, though."(bigger lie).
"I love having the time at home to write." (biggest lie)
"Everything's great! Just a little tired, that's all." (goin' straight to hell for that one).
It was noticeable, however, but I would just sigh and glibly utter, "Can't wait til spring!" (truth that hides the lies). blah blah blah.
When I was younger, I wouldn't have sat on this kind of uncomfortable, awful, edgy, embarrassed, discombobulated kind of existence for very long, or at least as long as I have so far. I would have said, "well, insert quick and final decision here and that's that." I have had to learn patience---yes, my friends reading this are nodding, yes----and it don't come easy to this lil' Taurus Bull. Instead of snapping my fingers, jutting out my hip (with one hand on) and swaggering toward some "new" plan that was quick and easy, I have--since mid-January--been watching myself, listening to myself, watching the world, listening to the world. And waiting. Waiting.
It's been excruciating.
But, then....something changed...perhaps, along with the sunshine last week. And the Beethoven (see post 2/26/09). And my son's continuous hugs and hopes and dreams. And my mother's unflagging support. And whatever the fuck else. A crack formed in all of this, a crack with some light beyond it. The anxiety began to wither away. I slept better, and not during the day (napping became a regular activity around here). My brain started to focus better. An idea. I had one!
I approached my Dissertation adviser with this "idea" that suddenly HIT me. Like a real hit. I could feel it mentally and physically. It had a voice. IT WOKE ME OUT OF A SOUND SLEEP (which is like waking the dead). And idea. I had been waiting, waiting, waiting for it. It found me, and I heard it.
An aside: there is no "How to Write a Dissertation" manual. Authors have made money selling books with such titles, and while I've actually read them, there is no accounting for each individual's Dissertation process. Period. I've already sold back many of those books.
Anyway, I should really call my Dissertation adviser my adWISEr. She is no joke. She has told me from DAY ONE that this process has no rules (except for getting it done). That I have to know myself better than I ever have (which, of COURSE, I thought I already did). That there will be many lessons learned and unexpected hurdles to leap. There is no mold. No path to take. I have to do it on my terms.
When I told her of my recently-formulated new idea (I called her after writing down my thoughts in a prepared speech-like thing so I could actually make sense....and slamming two beers....see? I do know myself!!!), her comment was, "Congratulations. You did it. You crossed that barrier and you needed to. I could have told you what needed to be fixed, but that wouldn't have been any fun, would it?" I had feared for the worst, of being told I was really destined to simply not be able to do this after all, that I might as well throw in the towel because this idea could never work as a PhD Dissertation in Musicology.
Not in a long time have a felt the simultaneous need to cry, vomit, and belly-laugh as I did after our conversation.
The Idea (in a nutshell):
--my ORIGINAL Diss proposal contains the evidence needed to support a book about three of Buffalo's predominant music cultures as they negotiated the Great Depression and New Deal programs. They are: the symphonic culture (mainly the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra), the Polish community and issues of assimilation/heritage and "Americanization," and the jazz community and issues of travel, cultural space, racism and class. The title is "Performing the Nation: Music Cultures in Buffalo, New York, 1925-1940." This proposal contains grand theories and sweeping ideologies that meld music performance, economics and cultural geography. Five chapters. 300 pages. This is HUGE project working with archival materials, various libraries, people, .....I mean, just huge. The most and best work has been on the BPO chapter and the "Brief History of Music in Buffalo, 1804--1925" chapter. So, still A LOT of work ahead.
--my REVISED Diss proposal contains the evidence needed to support a book about how the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra wrestled its way through the Great Depression and New Deal and emerged successfully (and remains today). The REVISED title is, "Performing the Nation: The Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra Gets a New Deal." This proposal contains good theories and relevant ideologies that meld music performance, politics, economics, and cultural geography. Five chapters. 200 pages. This is a NARROW project that provides a lens (the BPO) with which to view and blend other passions and interests of mine: archival materials (already secured from the National Archives last November), economics, the Great Depression, cultural theory, and the idiosyncracies of Buffalo's musical past. A specific focus that I AM EXCITED ABOUT. With all of these changes, my Diss is half done. I could finish it this summer. For real.
This may not sound as dramatic of a lesson-learned as I made it out to be. But, it NEVER OCCURRED to me to lop off huge portions of my proposed idea. I mean, I committed to that topic. I had to do it, right?
Nope. The "Judy's Manual for Writing a PhD Dissertation" now contains a valuable lesson that my adWISEr forced me to learn on my own, as painful as it was: stop and listen. Never be afraid of change. Be patient. Never feel like change is a failure of the present. Be passionate. Don't compromise.
The REVISED Diss makes me very happy. Finally.
And, the sun is out.
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