the loop of "work"

Several things are going on. I've got quite a list for myself...

But first, I am actually enjoying revising my Chapter 1. Today. Yessirree. Monday, however, was a bit of a shocker since I printed out the 20-page document (which I hadn't read since early May) and started reeling in its unfamiliarity even though, logically, I knew that I wrote it. As I'm reading, my inner voice begins whispering, "Did I write this?" Oh, and "what the hell am I talking about in this paragraph?" AND, "this doesn't belong here at all!!!" AND, "what the f**k does this mean?"......etc. etc. Within three pages of this mess I felt the swirly panic of adrenaline weaving its way through my little body. And then I felt like taking a nap. Ugh. Not a lot of productive stuff at the onset of a workweek.

BUT, yesterday, Tuesday, I had to prep for my Seminar in Pop Music to teach later that day. After pulling up the files I used last semester, I realized that we'd be discussing pop music (Tin Pan Alley mostly) from the Great Depression which just so happens to be the era of my Diss. I realized how fascinated I am with this era (hence the commitment to years of Momertator status...see post from 8/6). I got super excited, and after finishing the prep for class, returned with determination to Chapter 1. And, things started falling into place. For real. I will probably lose 5 pages or so as I revise, but I'm moving thoughts around, adjusting grammar, tweaking evidence, strengthening theories. Today, after a few more things get crossed off my list, I see about 3 hours ahead to do more. This feels good. I could get Chapter 1 done--all in black, done, done, done--by Friday, me thinks. What a feeling! So I "worked" yesterday doing the two things I love--research and teaching. All about music, history, and analysis. Yummy.

In high school, I was a good student. I took all the advanced courses in all the advanced things offered--sciences, math, English, history. Blah blah blah. When choosing a path in college, I deferred to the HOBBIES I enjoyed most, much to the chagrin of guidance counselors and family members who saw me becoming some power Business Executive or something (OMG, could you imagine?!?!?!). So, I went for things English and Music and got a teaching degree to boot. Over the years, various concerns and comments have been directed my way as I keep blazing a labyrinthine maze through the world of work that is anything but "traditional" and usually financially unstable. Ummmm, like my life right now. Like, I'm in 23rd grade (technically).

But I think it's working. I LIKE to analyze and learn. Music offers this. Writing offers this. Teaching offers this. And these are the things that I DO. Constantly. I like to be a bit autonomous when it comes to setting the flow of my days. I do not want to punch a clock and separate "work" time from "life" time. To me, it's all the same time all the time. And I get the feeling that I am actually doing this, even at this very moment. It's working. I'm working...